In the Christian tradition we have entered Advent: the anticipation of Jesus\u2019 arrival, the anticipation of Christmas. Christmas: \u201cthe most wonderful time of the year\u201d. My heart trills, giddy with expectation for the delight of Christmas morning and the glee of three young children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Yet, anxiety hitches in my chest. It\u2019s not because there are gifts to buy and there are more concerts and activities this year with Covid restrictions eased (at least it’s not <\/span>only <\/span><\/i>because of these things). Since my brain cancer diagnosis and my twelve month prognosis, I have wrestled with trying to breathe deep, I have struggled to unclench my jaw, I have fought for a baseline sense of calm. <\/span>That\u2019s understandable,<\/span><\/i> you might say (at least my oncologist does). Perhaps it’s understandable, but it’s frustrating as all get out. I\u2019ve been doing all the things: exercise, good diet, eight hours of sleep at night, meditation. They help, but my chest still squeezes in the noisiness of family life- or for no apparent reason at all.<\/span><\/p>\n So I started reading Pema Chodron\u2019s book <\/span>The Places That Scare You: A guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times<\/span><\/i>. I thought it would be about fear of death and disease, you know the big fears of life. But it’s more basic and wonderful than that. The places that scare us, Chodron says, are uncertainty and the \u201cfear of a fluid world\u201d. This is why we suffer. \u201cHow are we going to spend this brief lifetime?\u201d Chodron asks, \u201cAre we going to strengthen our well-perfected ability to struggle against uncertainty, or are we going to train in letting go?\u201d Nothing stays the same no matter how badly we want it to.<\/span><\/p>\n Three years ago I sat in the theater beside my daughter, mesmerized by Frozen II. Anna has survived a near-death experience. She is now engaged to Kristoff, this wonderful guy and she\u2019s delighting in her renewed relationship with her sister, Elsa. Life is finally grand and Anna wants it to stay that way. But summer has shifted to fall, change is inevitable, and now her sister is hearing a voice, a calling that is about to upheave both their lives. Elsa sings, \u201cI can\u2019t freeze this moment, but I can still go out and seize this day.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Like Anna, I struggle to adapt to change. \u201cThere is a chaos-control spectrum\u201d My counsellor described at my last visit, \u201csome of us have temperaments better equipped to handle chaos than others.\u201d As for me, I like order and predictability; planning and I are BFFs. Yet, the second law of thermodynamics says that entropy – the degree of disorder- always increases with time. Uncertainty is not going away, so like Elsa, I must accept change if I want to seize this day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Advent is more than anticipation of the wonder of Christmas. It is a season of great uncertainty. Madeleine L\u2019Engle calls it the \u201cirrational season\u201d. That it is! As the Christian story goes, Mary is an unwed virgin who conceives by the Holy Spirit. Telling this to her betrothed, Joseph, she risks being ostracized or worse. But an angel declares to her future husband that Mary is telling the truth, so he believes his pending bride. At Christmas we celebrate the happy ending, but think of all the uncertainty! If I hop into Mary\u2019s head it\u2019s overwhelming: <\/span>What will society think? Will they believe? Is my life safe? What will come of my child? Were the angels telling the truth? Did I <\/span><\/i>actually <\/span>see angels or did I just dream that?\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Uncertainty is the groundless gray-area that easily begets fear. As a human, Mary must have been terrified. As for me, I know that uncertainty is where I find my greatest fear. From the small things, like<\/span> what on earth am I going to make for supper before these kids melt down?<\/span><\/i> To <\/span>will my body be able to relax today? Will I feel anxious?<\/span><\/i> Or <\/span>when will my cancer return? When will my mom\u2019s cancer return? How are my kids coping deep down with all this cancer stuff?<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Yet, I remember, it was in my days of greatest uncertainty immediately following my diagnosis when I thought I was dying, I most deeply encountered supernatural peace. Dread cohabited with the Divine. It was terrifying and sublime. I think that\u2019s just the way life is.<\/span><\/p>\n As Oliver Burkeman says in his book <\/span>Four Thousand Weeks: Time management for mortals<\/span><\/i>, \u201cIt is painful to confront how limited your time is [and] to accept your limited control over the time you do get\u2026rather than face our limitations we engage in avoidance strategies, in an effort to carry on feeling limitless\u2026[but] the more you confront the facts of finitude – and work with them rather than against them – the more productive, meaningful, and joyful life becomes.\u201d When I move from fear and embrace my uncertainty I find freedom.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n That is what Advent is: a reminder of our daily, life-long,\u00a0 journey from fear of uncertainty towards the freedom of peace. Peace is holding the uncertainties of life and trusting that it will all end up okay in the end. Not that it will end up perfect. Or as expected. Or maybe even what we would deem as \u2018good\u2019. Or that the path will be pain-free. But surrendering to the \u201cokayness\u201d anyways. It\u2019s not false hope. It\u2019s not believing in a grand rescuer who will make it all better. It’s settling into what Brene Brown describes as our strong back, soft front and wild heart.(1) My strong back is living into my values with a firm, boundaried sense of who I am that allows me to live with a soft open front letting my truest self show through with vulnerability and compassion both to myself and to others. With a strong back and a soft front I can find and follow my wild heart that believes, hopes and trusts for more. With eyes and ears wide open, seeking, scanning, searching for the magic and divinity that is in every moment. Every moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n This is peace. This Advent season wrought with uncertainty, Peace is the gift I seek. Peace is the blessing I pray for you.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n xo <\/p>\n Notes<\/span><\/p>\n Advent In the Christian tradition we have entered Advent: the anticipation of Jesus\u2019 arrival, the anticipation of Christmas. Christmas: \u201cthe most wonderful time of the year\u201d. My heart trills, giddy with expectation for the delight […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1018,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,29,67],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1017","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advent-letter","category-anxiety","category-peace"],"yoast_head":"\nAnxiety<\/h2>\n
Frozen II Wisdom<\/h2>\n
The Irrational Season<\/h2>\n
Finitude<\/h2>\n
Moving from uncertainty to Peace<\/h2>\n
\n<\/span>Cheryl\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n\n