{"id":1030,"date":"2023-01-27T15:56:28","date_gmt":"2023-01-27T23:56:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/?p=1030"},"modified":"2023-01-27T15:56:28","modified_gmt":"2023-01-27T23:56:28","slug":"mri-day-and-results","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/27\/mri-day-and-results\/","title":{"rendered":"MRI Day…and Results"},"content":{"rendered":"

MRI Day<\/span><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scantastic<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u201cHow was your MRI?\u201d My husband, Ryan, asks when I walk through the backdoor. \u201cWas it scantastic?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I chuckle and think, <\/span>kinda. <\/span><\/i>Remembering the throat squeezing scanxiety I used to face every single MRI. Scans now are more of a nuisance. I\u2019d rather be writing or running or reading or hanging out with my family, but they don\u2019t make my pulse quicken anymore, terrified of what the results might reveal.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Early Morning<\/span><\/h3>\n

Even so, today is a challenging day. MRI day always seems to bring some sort of struggle with it. I slept poorly last night. I woke up to go to the bathroom. I tossed and turned, then dreamt that I woke up in my girlhood home. My alarm had failed and I\u2019d missed my appointment. I open my eyes and looked at my watch: five am. One hour before I need to get up. But my body won\u2019t relax, so I stop trying after half an hour and pull myself out of bed. I get dressed in my ensuite where I laid my clothes out the night before and slink down to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I look out my window: it\u2019s still dark outside. Of course, it is. But I had not thought of that yesterday; oh how I dislike driving in the dark. And to boot my nervous system is still frazzled from car shopping with Ryan in busy Vancouver yesterday. Too much highway driving this week.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My thoughts drift to my MRI. Ugh, the sterile hospital; the lonely, loveless protocols; poking tools; and procedures. I feel ungrounded, unraveled, like I can\u2019t do it, like I\u2019m broken and not enough, like cancer has marred me and I hate the hospital\u2019s reminder of this.<\/span><\/p>\n

This morning, unlike my dream, I am not actually late, but rather early to rise. I take this time to meditate. I open YouTube on my phone and navigate through my favorites to an <\/span>Artist Morning<\/span><\/i> video called \u201cPositive Energy\u201d. The meditation guide\u2019s voice is soothing; as I sit and listen I relax. <\/span>Calm and love are available to you<\/span><\/i>, the guide says. As he continues to speak I see everything cloaked in grace. The waiting room, the people, the MRI tube, the highway I despise driving on. All of it is covered in a grace-forcefield.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I know I must accept- I must believe I can accept- that it will be okay. No matter what, no matter my MRI results, it will be okay because this grace, this loving warmth wraps me in her shawl and holds me tight and sprinkles her petals on the path before me like a flower girl. My mom\u2019s voice echoes in my mind, \u201cCheryl, it will be okay.\u201d <\/span>How could she say those words to me when we both thought she was dying?<\/span><\/i> I wondered then, I wonder still. Slowly, I am realizing it\u2019s because when Grace is here, it <\/span>will <\/span><\/i>always be okay.<\/span><\/p>\n

When the meditation finishes I play <\/span>You Raise Me Up<\/span><\/i> by Josh Groban. <\/span>\u201cYou raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.\u201d <\/span><\/i>The words soothe my soul and I think of all the stormy waters I\u2019ve traversed in life thus far. The ones I\u2019ve walked upon.<\/span><\/p>\n

By now it\u2019s almost time to go, so I grab my coffee, glance at the clock (7 am) and place my car keys in my pocket.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The MRI<\/span><\/h2>\n

I\u2019m grateful that my dark drive is over when I step into the MRI room. I change into hospital garb, put earplugs in, and climb atop the bed that glides me into the MRI tube. By now this routine is old hat. I close my eyes. I\u2019m ready to relax, nothing required of me, but to lie completely still.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere we go Cheryl.\u201d The technician says from the room next door, over the speaker. In the past, I\u2019ve spent my time in that tube pretending I\u2019m relaxing in a float bath or on the beach relaxing on my towel. Today, I listen carefully to the machine\u2019s noises. Boom, boom, boom, thump thump, thump, like the combination of a throbbing headache and a robotic electronic dance party. The sounds quickly morph <\/span>tick, tick, tick, tick,<\/span><\/i> like a woodpecker on a metal tree. Then an angle grinder cuts steel above my head until the machine begins pulsing pulsing pulsing pulsing pulsing pulsing without a pause. Though I am calm, I would not call this relaxation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The MRI bed slides me slightly deeper into the tube and whiiiiiiiir, merk, merk, merk, merk resound throughout the cylinder. The sounds change once more <\/span>Bling, bling, bling, bling<\/span><\/i>. I\u2019m surrounded by a video lottery terminal. I used to fancy myself a lucky person, frequently winning contests as a child, now with a very unlucky diagnosis I\u2019m not so sure. The racket gives way to the pseudo-calming electronic meditation bowls. <\/span>Maybe here\u2019s the relaxation <\/span><\/i>\u00a0I wonder, then chuckle inwardly at the notion as rims are seemingly circled round and round and round and round. Incessant. No lapse in between for me to listen for the vibrations to fade. It winds me up, not down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t open your eyes!<\/span><\/h3>\n

Maybe I should open my eyes? I think. It\u2019s a very bad idea that I can’t get out of my head. I\u2019m not sure why it tempts me. I opened my eyes once during a previous scan and the blue skies I\u2019d been envisioning were swallowed up by the plastic covered head cage right in front of my face and the beige inner surface of the MRI tube just beyond that. Not only was the breeze of the beach gone, all air had seemingly been sucked out of the room. My eyes widened then clamped shut. Breathe Cheryl, breathe- but do not swallow, so they don\u2019t have to repeat the scan.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Home again<\/span><\/h2>\n

\u00a0 <\/span>I return home, Ryan and I grab our skates and meet my daughter, Rayna, at the ice rink to join her class on their field trip. I feel like a kid gliding on the ice. \u201cThanks for coming, Mom and Dad.\u201d Rayna smiles at us. She still wants to spend time with her parents. I smile back. This was a sweet moment worth rushing to, but when it\u2019s over, I\u2019m exhausted. What a day, and it\u2019s only lunchtime. Instead of eating I crawl into bed without taking my jacket off and doze.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The wait<\/span><\/h2>\n

For the next week or so we will wait, going on with our lives like normal (whatever that is) scanxiety lurking under the surface as it inevitably does. No longer overt, but still unavoidable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This is cancer. This is my life. Oh may it <\/span>all <\/span><\/i>be cloaked in grace.<\/span><\/p>\n

Wishing each and everyone of you oodles of grace for your journeys.<\/span><\/p>\n

xo
\n<\/span>Cheryl\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PS. RESULTS:\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHappy New Year!\u201d My oncologist smiles as he walks into the room. \u201cAnd I wouldn\u2019t say happy unless you had <\/span>good results<\/i><\/b>!\u201d I
\n<\/span>\u00a0smile at his humor\/kindness\/celebratory remarks.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d honestly thought about writing the end of this blogpost before I received my results, I only expected good results. But, I thought perhaps that was tempting fate. However you want to frame it, I am grateful for good news and I appreciate you all journeying with me. To close (for real this time) let me share a poem by Emily Dickenson (she\u2019s the <\/span>best<\/span><\/i>!) that I read this week (I\u2019m slowly working my way through her complete works). Perhaps we all can find reverence in the simple days, good results or bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To Venerate the simple days
\n<\/span>Which lead the season by
\n<\/span>Needs but to remember
\n<\/span>That from you or I
\n<\/span>They may take the trifle
\n<\/span>Termed Mortality.<\/span><\/p>\n

Emily Dickenson<\/span><\/p>\n

(If you\u2019re like me, who had to look up the definition of \u201cvenerate\u201d , let me save you a step: it means to make reverent. Isn\u2019t it such a great word?!)<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

MRI Day   Scantastic \u201cHow was your MRI?\u201d My husband, Ryan, asks when I walk through the backdoor. \u201cWas it scantastic?\u201d I chuckle and think, kinda. 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