{"id":208,"date":"2011-03-11T18:58:00","date_gmt":"2011-03-11T18:58:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2011\/03\/11\/awfully-confusing\/"},"modified":"2011-03-11T18:58:00","modified_gmt":"2011-03-11T18:58:00","slug":"awfully-confusing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2011\/03\/11\/awfully-confusing\/","title":{"rendered":"Awfully Confusing"},"content":{"rendered":"

I think I get now why some people wait a long time to try again to get pregnant after a miscarriage. <\/span>Having a miscarriage hurts deeply. <\/span>And then there is the fear that takes root thinking of being pregnant again. I have f<\/span>ear of going through the same hurt again. <\/span>Fear of not being ready to be a parent. <\/span>And then there is the feeling that it\u2019s just not right, because I should be allowed to be so excited to get pregnant, but that uninhibited sense of joy and excitement has been zapped. <\/span>It\u2019s not the same. <\/span>No matter what. <\/span>I am excited in a very guarded way now. <\/span>I want to be pregnant, but I want to be excited to get pregnant, and then I\u2019m fearful of the pregnancy and of the idea of being a parent (those feeling weren\u2019t there in August when we started trying!) and then to top off these feelings that I don\u2019t know whether I really am ready to get pregnant, I look at the number 29, my age that is getting bigger and so I better get on it regardless of how I feel, and then I have moments of jealousy that pop up when I share with others in their pregnancy and when I hear others talk of their pregnancy. <\/span>How can I have this hesitancy inside about getting pregnant and still have jealousy? <\/span>It\u2019s awful and awfully confusing. <\/span>I want to be excited about my own future pregnancy and at the same time I am<\/i> excited for those dear people around me who are pregnant. <\/span>And just weeks ago I had this sense that in the waiting for a baby there is greater joy in the blessing of that child. <\/span>I\u2019m waiting for that greater joy, patiently. <\/span>In the meantime, what can I do but trust God and use my head when my heart feels so mixed up. <\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

So amidst this confusion this is what I know. <\/span>My God is good. <\/span>My God is love. <\/span>My God provides. <\/span>I love my husband. <\/span>I trust God will give Ryan and I wisdom in raising our family. <\/span>I want children. <\/span>I love my family and friends. <\/span>I love the unborn children of my family and friends. <\/span>Children are a blessing, whether mine or not. <\/span>I have been blessed with such amazing support and I am confident that I will continue to be blessed with support as life unfolds. <\/span>I will love my children regardless of whether they are born in 9 months, 2 years, 5 years, or beyond. <\/span>I have learned much in the past months about myself, about human emotions (it is interesting that the number of emotions I am learning about continues to grow), and about God. <\/span>I continue to learn. God was there in the disappointment, hurt, frustration. <\/span>Certainly He is here in the jealousy, the fear, the confusion. Certainly He is here to remove the jealousy, the fear, and the confusion.<\/p>\n

<\/o:p><\/p>\n

Ps 51:8,16<\/p>\n

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice. <\/span>Unseal my lips, O Lord, that I may praise you. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/o:p><\/p>\n

I have to share what I read in scripture today and what I learned from it.<\/p>\n

<\/o:p><\/p>\n

Numbers 13 and 14 discuss the scouting expedition that Moses sent out to scope out the promised land of Canaan<\/st1:place>. <\/span>This is the land that God has promised his people of Israel<\/st1:place><\/st1:country-region>. <\/span>It was his promise to them as He brought them out of Egypt<\/st1:place><\/st1:country-region>, out slavery, out of the place where they cried to God from because they were oppressed. From this expedition there were 2 reports. <\/span>The first said:<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t go up against them! They are stronger than we are!\u201d<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>32<\/span><\/sup><\/b><\/span> <\/span><\/span>So they spread this bad report about the land among the Israelites: \u201cThe land we traveled through and explored will devour anyone who goes to live there. All the people we saw were huge.<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>33<\/span><\/sup><\/b><\/span> <\/span><\/span>We even saw giants<\/span><\/span>b]”>[b<\/a>]<\/span><\/sup><\/span> <\/span><\/span>there, the descendants of Anak.<\/span><\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/o:p><\/p>\n

The second states:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe land we traveled through and explored is a wonderful land!<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>8<\/span><\/sup><\/b><\/span> <\/span><\/span>And if the Lord <\/span>is pleased with us, he will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey.<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>9<\/span><\/sup><\/b><\/span> <\/span><\/span>Do not rebel against the Lord<\/span>, and don\u2019t be afraid of the people of the land.<\/span><\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This is the Promised Land they speak of! <\/span>God has promised<\/i> these people this blessing and the first group simply sees the giants in their way of getting there. <\/span>It makes me think; what blessing does God have in store for me that I only see the giant hurdles required and miss out on what is behind those obstacles? <\/span>God wants to bless me. <\/span>God will give whatever assistance is required to overcome giants. <\/span>Right now I see my land of milk and honey being the family I believe God will bless Ryan and me with. <\/span>There are some obstacles to getting to that \u201cland\u201d, including the \u201cawful confusion\u201d of the present which I have discussed above. <\/span>But in reading this story of Canaan<\/st1:place>, I don\u2019t want to focus on the giants before me. <\/span>I want to focus on that rich land ahead and the dependence on God that will get me there. <\/span>(Besides if you read the whole story in Numbers, by not trusting God to take out the giants, those people who voiced response #1 never did get to step foot in the promised land. <\/span>I think this story parallel a very real reality for today as well: focus on the giants in your road and you may get detoured that you may never see the promised land God intends for you further along the road.) <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I think I get now why some people wait a long time to try again to get pregnant after a miscarriage. Having a miscarriage hurts deeply. 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