Is this Christmas season far from “Christmas-perfect” for you? Is your journey towards Christmas messy, ugly, difficult, seemingly impossible? Mine is. If yours is too, I invite to accept the gift that ugly and beautiful are NOT mutually exclusive. I invite you to accept the gift that in the messy, painful, angry, and impossible, Hope and Joy can still be found and coexist with it all.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
It is in the gift of these “co-minglings” that Advent finds me with a Joy that accepts the realities of the day (no matter how rotten they are) but chooses to look with gratitude towards the glimpse s of Hope tucked into each day as i slow down and keep my eyes and ears and hearts open. <\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
Here is my Advent journey this year. Not at all concise. Not at all a pretty gift wrapped up in a perfect bow. But this Advent journey of mine is rich and good and beautiful. Come join me:
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I entered Advent looking, seeking for more of God\u2019s glory. <\/span>On earth as it is in heaven. <\/span>Our church\u2019s sermon series is \u201chere comes heaven.\u201d <\/span>Bright, shiny, optimistic! <\/span>Let\u2019s replace despair with Hope! <\/span>These are words I tout from my blog over and over. <\/span>These are words I believe whole hearted. They are pretty, and they are perfect, and they are inspiring.<\/div>\n
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<\/span>However, I am realizing that these words have an underbelly that must be addressed. <\/span>The hope of Christ is not a perfectly shiny packaged gift with an extravagant perfectly crafted bow. Yes it is a simple (and beautiful) gift to receive (by simply believng): but, the journey of opening it is an arduous one wrought with the challenges of being human<\/i>.<\/div>\n
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Advent. <\/span><\/div>\n
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Being expectant. <\/span>A season of waiting. <\/span>The \u201cnot yet\u201d. <\/span>Looking towards the unknown.<\/div>\n
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I went to an advent retreat yesterday (1). <\/span>This retreat highlighted the journeying surrounding advent in the scriptures. <\/span>Angels journeying to Mary and Joseph and Zechariah. <\/span>Mary journeying to Elizabeth<\/st1:place><\/st1:city>and Jechariah\u2019s place. <\/span>Mary and Joseph journeying to Bethlehem<\/st1:place><\/st1:city>. <\/span>The journey into the unknown. <\/span>The journey of the impossible – <\/span>immaculate conception.<\/div>\n
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As I learn more and more about my personality, I uncover that as a performance driven perfectionist I am not very in tune with my emotions. <\/span>I\u2019ve always known that I\u2019m not a terribly emotional woman. <\/span>I didn\u2019t realize until recently that I wear this as my armour. <\/span>Brene Brown says perfectionism is a 20 ton shield. (2) <\/span>It hides the shame and fear. <\/span>I am on a journey towards dismantling my shield, to lightening my load. <\/span>A journey towards understanding myself better. <\/span>Understanding who God has made me to be: gifts, talents, strengths\u2026. weaknesses. <\/span>Oh those weaknesses!(3) <\/span>It\u2019s a tedious and not so pleasant journey. <\/span>It forces me into the ugly that I\u2019ve become proficient in either running from or smoothing over with a perfect, pretty bow of achievement and efficiency. <\/span>I don\u2019t like opening up the pretty package and getting my hands in the junk (sh#t) within. <\/span><\/div>\n
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One station at the Advent retreat was contemplation at the manger cr\u00e8che: an empty nativity scene. <\/span>As I look at the manager cr\u00e8che, perfection slips away. <\/span>I am overcome by the ugliness of it! A stable to give birth in?!! <\/span>A manger to place a babe in?!! <\/span>Think about this place in detail, allow time for the luster of Christmas \u201cbeautification\u201d to fade. <\/span>Here is a drafty, stinky building, most certainly filled with live animals and sh#t. <\/span>Not the picture perfect place to birth your first child! <\/span>This advent season is allowed to be messy because look at this very manager image: it is messy! <\/div>\n
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As I incredulously contemplate this Jesus whispers to me, \u201cYes\u2019 Cheryl, I was birthed in \u201cimperfection\u201d to bring perfection.<\/div>\n
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I recoil, because I like <\/i>matters to be shiny and perfect. <\/span>How do I process, this?<\/i><\/o:p><\/div>\n
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Slowly I begin to see it: <\/span>the ugly and the beautiful co-mingle. <\/span>This manger scene. <\/span>Beautiful and ugly swirled inseparably.<\/div>\n
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And I begin to think of the cross of crucifiction. <\/span>This is a gory scene. <\/span>Ugly and gruesome. <\/span>Yet, it too is beautiful.<\/div>\n
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Within me I hear permission, \u201cit is ugly, Cheryl, it\u2019s okay to scream at life\u2019s imperfections! Its okay to scream at life\u2019s unfairness! It\u2019s okay to scream at the downright awfulness of it all!\u201d <\/span>It\u2019s okay to scream at my cancer diagnosis and everything that<\/i> has unraveled.<\/div>\n
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I see I have not allowed my anger of grief to sing her song yet. <\/span>And I see I must do this to keep pressing in, to pressing forward into living. <\/span>To keep pressing forward into Hope.<\/div>\n
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So here it goes:<\/div>\n
Journal excerpt Nov. 7\/18<\/div>\n
The flux between stages of grief is confusing and complex and makes me feel like I don\u2019t have a place. <\/span>I dance between denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and anger. <\/span>Yes anger I will name you. <\/span>It\u2019s a funny thing hard to describe. <\/span>Hoping and pressing into hope is unsettling when acceptance resurfaces- <\/span>acceptance that this is what my life looks like, stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis and prognosis and all and the potential realities.<\/div>\n
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These questions: What if I only have 3 more years to live? (an arbitrary amount of time that surfaced after reading about a 5 year glioblastoma survivor) <\/span>If that\u2019s the case what do I want to prioritize?<\/div>\n
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And this: I have glimpsed Jesus so intimately, I have touched his cloak and it was magnificent, that fear truly does evaporate because I know within my core that no matter what all will be well.<\/div>\n
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But: How do I belong in this world when I\u2019ve begun to enjoy \u201cnormal\u201d again \u2013 running with a dear friend, soccer, doing Christmas: buying gifts, planning, celebrating. <\/span>But I am so far from normal. <\/span>I look normal and can pretend well that I am normal but underneathe there is always this which is so NOT normal:<\/div>\n
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DIAGNOSIS.<\/div>\n
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I feel like an expat not truly at home in my native country (\u201cthe non-cancer world\u201d) <\/span>but not truly at home in my new country (\u201cthe cancer world\u201d).<\/div>\n
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How do I deal with the dance between enjoying life and being optimistic and being aware of the monster they say lurks in my body?<\/div>\n
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How do I choose priorities when death could be imminent, but I\u2019m pressing into Hope that it\u2019s not.<\/div>\n
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These are my struggles<\/div>\n
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My uncle is dying from MS and this breaks my heart. <\/span>His daughter, my cousin, has always been my dear friend. <\/span>His youngest grandchild just a babe. <\/span>And I rally against God in the too soon of his body failing him. Anger for him. <\/span>Anger for me.<\/div>\n
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Yes it is anger. <\/span>I will finally name her for what she is.<\/div>\n
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The questions: Why? Why me? Oh God why me?<\/div>\n
I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS!<\/div>\n
God do you not see my hopes and plans?<\/div>\n
God do you not see my love for you?<\/div>\n
God do you not see my husband? My children?<\/div>\n
Oh God preserve my life. <\/span>Oh God give me a long life.<\/div>\n
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Oh God do you see me? <\/span>Do you see me! Do you see me ?!<\/div>\n
(the whisper response): I see you.<\/div>\n
Please heal me, I whisper back.<\/div>\n
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So what shall I do in all of this?<\/div>\n
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What shall I do?<\/div>\n
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I lean into the words of Katie Davis Majors and I choose to dare to hope. I join with her as she says,<\/div>\n
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\u201c“Maybe courage is trusting when we don’t know what is next, leaning into the hard and knowing that it will be hard, but more, God will be near.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
Maybe bravery is just looking fear in the face and telling it that it does not win because we have known the Lord here.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
Though we tremble and feel uncertain, courage means we press into a God who is certain, sure, steady. He carries us; He lifts our heads. And His unfailing love and comfort become our courage and our hope.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
Katie continues, \u201c“It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope,…”Chin up, love.”(God) whispers. “Hold on to that hope. Eyes on me dear one. I am not done yet.” (4)<\/span><\/div>\n
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Yes, I choose to dare to hope.<\/div>\n
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(ps. <\/span>All this took place on a Sat AM before soccer practice.)<\/div>\n
End of <\/span>journal excerpt<\/o:p><\/b><\/div>\n
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At my advent retreat I participated in 2 labyrinth exercises. <\/span>The handout I was given states \u201cA labyrinth is a tool for prayer whereby a person follows a path in prayerful silence to a centre. <\/span>It is a living representation of our life journey from birth to death to new life in God\u201d <\/span><\/div>\n
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