{"id":751,"date":"2019-12-01T23:21:09","date_gmt":"2019-12-02T07:21:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/?p=751"},"modified":"2019-12-03T14:50:38","modified_gmt":"2019-12-03T22:50:38","slug":"advent-letter-2019","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2019\/12\/01\/advent-letter-2019\/","title":{"rendered":"Advent Letter 2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

This post is dedicated to the loving memory of my friend, Charlene Krause.<\/p>\n

I tried to start writing this letter explaining it\u2019s purpose, explaining my history of writing Advent letters, and the purpose of Advent itself.\u00a0 I sat at my computer for an hour before abandoning my letter.\u00a0 It felt like rhetoric and it felt like the right words weren\u2019t coming.\u00a0 I wanted words that would convey meaning and hope in the Advent and Christmas season. I wanted happy words for this happy season.\u00a0 I was trying so hard to fit my letter into what I thought it ought to be, but that didn\u2019t work.\u00a0\u00a0 So instead I will write my heart out, my messy heart whose bow is tattered and paper is ripped and content is damaged.\u00a0 Yes, I will write about where the Christmas season finds me this year.\u00a0 I will write about my real life. \u00a0I will write about why advent matters to me, from my gut, raw and real; because that\u2019s how life feels right now: Raw and real.\u00a0 Today, as you read this, you join me on my bumpy Christmas road. \u00a0Thank you for your company, I need it. (PS hang in there until the end, the story isn\u2019t all dreary).<\/p>\n

The Christian faith celebrates advent in the month of December.\u00a0 I love this part of the Christmas season because it is a time to pause to reflect. It is a time to anticipate goodness. It is a time to create space. It is a time to contemplate. It is a time to assess meaning in this joyous, but busy season. It is a time to journey deeper into my connection with the Divine.\u00a0 It is a time to ponder \u201cthe reason for the season\u201d.<\/p>\n

This year advent feels messy and I find myself asking: What is the reason for this season?\u00a0 Reason = meaning therefore, I have to ask: what is the meaning of this all?<\/p>\n

Of Christmas<\/p>\n

Of pursuits and passions<\/p>\n

Of life itself?<\/p>\n

What strings meaning through my days that collectively feel like a rollercoaster?<\/p>\n

I journey through excitement for life, the sweet blessing of my family, the purpose I feel in writing and sharing my story.\u00a0 I fight for optimism and I find it.\u00a0 I expect good in my life and find much of that too.\u00a0 Wonderful treasures! Yet, life inevitably swings downwards.<\/p>\n

Down into grieving. I grieve the loss of what was.\u00a0 I grieve the loss of my past beloved profession as a pharmacist.\u00a0 I grieve the loss of naivety of life when I felt pretty close to invincible.\u00a0 I grieve what my diagnosis says about my future: that it should be over any day now.\u00a0 You may say, but its not over! And I agree, it definitely is not, but even so this \u201ctruth\u201d of my diagnosis looms overhead.\u00a0 I grieve that the trauma of my diagnosis, prognosis and treatment stole my calm and it\u2019s a hard fight to reclaim it.\u00a0 I grieve the life I had planned that never came to fruition.\u00a0 And this past week, I grieve the loss of my friend, a mom of twin 3 year \u00a0old boys.<\/p>\n

I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes \u201ceverything under the sun is meaningless, like chasing the wind\u201d.\u00a0 We live, we die, we can\u2019t take anything with us into the afterlife.\u00a0 Our pursuits and acquisitions are temporal, unable to bring lasting satisfaction.<\/p>\n

Wow! What a Debbie-Downer, you are Cheryl!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know this is meant to be a joyous<\/em> season?!\u00a0 Social media calls me to make this picture pretty.\u00a0 I\u2019ve noticed how my happy pretty posts garner substantially more \u201clikes\u201d than the grimy real life ones.\u00a0 You want to hear me say that I am doing well!\u00a0 You want to hear my good MRI report!\u00a0 You want to see my children smiling.\u00a0 It\u2019s easier that way.\u00a0 Trust me, I like those moments best too!\u00a0 But put on your wide-angle lens and the picture is fuller and more complex than that. Life is hard.\u00a0 It is downright impossible at times.\u00a0 And I am done with pretending, with telling you what I think you want to hear.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t anymore because I know I must not be alone.\u00a0 I can\u2019t be.\u00a0 This human experience has way too many universal elements and it does not seem to take note of when the happy holidays are and pause.\u00a0 No, it presses forwards in all its brutal ups and downs.<\/p>\n

Nov. 17<\/strong><\/p>\n

I woke up early; the night before I fell asleep in my daughter\u2019s bed when she asked me to lie down with her.\u00a0 So at 6AM, before my children were stirring, my body told me it was time to get up.\u00a0\u00a0 In that quiet hour of the morning grief ripped me open.\u00a0 There on Facebook was an update from my friend\u2019s sister.\u00a0 \u201cCharlene has come to a point in her journey that we were all scared to reach\u2026Palliative comfort care is the stage she is at.\u201d<\/p>\n

Palliative.\u00a0 End of life.\u00a0 My friend is dying.<\/p>\n

My cousin introduced me to Charlene right after I was diagnosed with cancer.\u00a0 We both had infant twins and cancer; an awful combination which forged a connection.\u00a0 Though we had never met face to face we were dear friends.\u00a0 We understood elements of each others\u2019 lives that others could not.\u00a0 She was special.\u00a0 Then in June I had the opportunity to meet Charlene face to face when I was visiting Manitoba.\u00a0 She was amazing.\u00a0 She was spunky and fun.\u00a0 She was optimistic and funny.\u00a0 She was real and honest and smart.\u00a0 \u201cI really like you!\u201d I said to her during this visit.\u00a0 And it was true – not only had I grown to appreciate her friendship, mainly through messaging, I really liked Charlene, and loved her.\u00a0 She was a comrade.<\/p>\n

Initially I had a worse prognosis than Charlene.\u00a0 That didn\u2019t matter, we had a connection.\u00a0 This connection deepened when her cancer metastasized.\u00a0 \u00a0I empathized with her new bad prognosis.\u00a0 I knew what that was like.\u00a0 I saw all the messages of \u201cI\u2019m so sorry\u201d to her and I committed to being a voice of encouragement and hope to her.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want her to feel sorry for herself, I wanted her to live!\u00a0 But that was never an issue; we shared optimism and hope despite our diagnoses.\u00a0 Furthermore, we shared the awful challenges of mothering twin babies with radiation and chemo fatigue.<\/p>\n

Now Charlene is dying.<\/p>\n

I was grateful for that hour, by God\u2019s grace a quiet hour, to sit and cry and grieve for my friend Charlene.<\/p>\n

The kids woke up and I had to tell my daughter why I was crying.\u00a0 My 7 year old who doesn\u2019t say much, but is smart enough to connect the dots.\u00a0 Cancer.\u00a0 Dying.\u00a0 A mom.\u00a0 We prayed for Charlene, what else could we do?\u00a0 Then on with the day of making breakfast, packing lunches and getting kids to where they need to go.<\/p>\n

I still had to tell my husband.\u00a0 The news seemed to roll off him until the next day when his emotions plummeted.\u00a0 This was much too real and much too close to home.\u00a0 While I felt this grief as extreme sorrow, Ryan felt this grief as terror.\u00a0 Petrifying terror.<\/p>\n

Grief. Raw grief. An ugly mess to wade through; but wade through it we did.\u00a0 My husband discussed with me his real fears of being left to raise 3 children by himself.\u00a0 I feel like perhaps I\u2019ve come to peaceful terms with my own death, whenever (hopefully a LONG time away) it happens.\u00a0 But to think of Ryan alone raising our children; this is agonizing.\u00a0 Another side of grief to watch my husband grieve.<\/p>\n

You would think this is enough.<\/p>\n

But then I see an emailed note in my inbox from our former neighbor\u2019s daughter.\u00a0 Our neighbor recently passed away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been going through Dad\u2019s things and I found the beautiful book you gave Dad as a gift when Mom passed away last year.\u00a0 Thank you\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

I honestly forgot I gave him that book even though I diligently hunted to find a suitable condolence gift in memory of a woman I grew to love.\u00a0 His passing away has had me reflecting about and missing his wife, our neighbor of 10 years.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been thinking about how meaningful it was for me to be present with her in her last days, particularly her very last one. \u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Death and grief heavy, I wonder how I\u2019m going to press forward.<\/p>\n

Then into the living room where I am drinking my morning coffee comes my 4 year old beauty, her long blonde hair strewn in a mess and she stops in wonder.\u00a0 The day prior we put up our Christmas tree.\u00a0 It is beautiful, if a bit small for our new space, but this child stops in sleepy delight to admire its beauty.<\/p>\n

And this this<\/em> is what cuts through my grief and the heaviness that being an adult is, that experiencing loss is and the heaviness weight of a cancer diagnosis in our home.<\/p>\n

It is the wonder and delight of a child.\u00a0 The simple, all consuming joy of Christmas for a 4 year old.\u00a0 And I remember that scripture instructs us to have faith like a child.\u00a0 To go to our childhood stance and believe.\u00a0 Believe in the goodness of life.\u00a0 Enjoy the simple wonders of life.\u00a0 Delight in gifts and treasures \u2013 no matter how small they are.\u00a0 Believe that there is beauty here.\u00a0 So much beauty.<\/p>\n

And I am thankful for this child who gives me perspective of what really matters.<\/p>\n

I call out, \u201cGod thank you for these 3 little teachers in my home.\u201d<\/p>\n

I love Christmas and it is so much more wonderful with children.<\/p>\n

This is the only way to capture the joy, love, hope, peace of this season and bring it into everyday life where grief is ripe.\u00a0 Ripe.\u00a0 You know what happens to ripe fruit if it is not plucked? It rots.\u00a0 And so it is with grief.\u00a0 So I pluck grief from my tree and mix it with the joy and delights of children, making the bitterness of grief taste sweeter and more palatable.<\/p>\n

I choose to set forth into this season with a heart of gratitude and wonder.\u00a0 Wonder for all these gifts I hold in my home.\u00a0 Gifts of love, shared, never lost, always shaping me into who I am.<\/p>\n

I choose to find wonder and gratitude everyday.\u00a0 It is the only way to cut through the grief of this difficult life.\u00a0 For me this season is perfect to do so.\u00a0 The joy and fun of Christmas.\u00a0 The season of advent \u2013 expectantly awaiting the coming goodness.\u00a0 The hope of the world.\u00a0 One who loves abundantly, sacrifices on my behalf and promises a living hope.<\/p>\n

And the news comes a week later.<\/p>\n

Charlene has passed away.\u00a0 I see an update about her, not expecting this news, and I gasp, \u201cso quick.\u201d<\/p>\n

HOPE. Oh how I need hope that there is more than this grief I feel today.<\/p>\n

I process her death.\u00a0 I find myself weeping in church during the music.\u00a0 My emotions raw and my questions real: Why? Why, why has Charlene died?\u00a0 The sermon calling us to trust in God and that peace comes from choosing to trust God.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t.\u00a0 \u201cGod I don\u2019t want to trust you in this because it hurts.\u00a0 It hurts so badly.\u00a0 Why is her life shortened? Why are her boys going to have to grow up motherless?\u00a0 Why why why why?\u00a0 And there are no answers.\u00a0 And I know that I have asked these questions already.\u00a0 Why why did I get cancer?\u00a0 A bad cancer?\u00a0 2 days after my diagnosis I asked my friend: why would God give me an extra baby then allow me to die?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Too much why.<\/p>\n

And I know it is good to ask why.\u00a0 But it is not good to sit there too long.\u00a0 And I know from past experience that the only way to be okay with this grief and lack of certainty is through gratitude.\u00a0 Gratitude for the years given to Charlene.\u00a0 Gratitude for the supernatural love I have personally experienced and that I know is accessible to Charlene\u2019s family in all circumstances, even this really rotten horrible wretched one.<\/p>\n

This gratitude takes effort.\u00a0 It is a good thing I have practiced gratitude, because it does not come easy.<\/p>\n

The question hangs in the air: Do I still trust God?\u00a0 I am broken.\u00a0 Can I really still trust you God?\u00a0 Wrestling with my faith has been a very fruitful battle in the past 3 years.\u00a0 Here we are again.\u00a0 But this time it is Christmas time and grief runs deep.\u00a0 I wonder: What shape will this battle take?<\/p>\n

I had the privilege of listening to Sean Brandow, chaplain of the Humboldt Broncos speak this summer at our family camp. \u00a0In April 2018 Sean lost his dear friend, the coach of this hockey team, in this bus tragedy that killed 16 people.\u00a0 As chaplain, he was called to speak at a Vigil for the team.\u00a0 At that vigil he spoke hope.\u00a0 An impossible task.\u00a0 It was truly an honor to connect with this man.\u00a0 Our camp is quite small at 100 people, so it felt like we got to know the man behind this voice of hope.\u00a0 He was real.\u00a0 He desperately misses his friend.\u00a0 He had to wrestle with the question of the goodness of God, the ability to trust God in such tragedy, and God\u2019s worthiness.\u00a0 This was difficult.\u00a0 Difficult for him and difficult for me to listen to.\u00a0 As he spoke this last message at our camp I was a sobbing mess.\u00a0 It hit home.\u00a0 The brokenness.\u00a0 The \u201cunfairness\u201d.\u00a0 The devastation.\u00a0 I knew those things.\u00a0 Stage 4 Glioblastoma. Survival 12-18 months.\u00a0 Two babies still nursing.\u00a0 One older not yet 5.\u00a0 Is God still good? Do I still trust God?<\/p>\n

Sean.\u00a0 Charlene.\u00a0 Me.\u00a0 You?<\/p>\n

Do I still trust God?<\/p>\n

I know the \u201cright\u201d answer; but that doesn\u2019t matter to me anymore.\u00a0 I\u2019m through with platitudes and pat answers.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m done with religiosity.\u00a0 I need to know MY answer.\u00a0 This is a BIG question that I approach with intention.\u00a0 I weigh the options.\u00a0 I sift through my experience. I lean on my academically trained mind. I listen to my rationale. I search my heart.\u00a0 I know that this is a black and white answer.\u00a0 At this point it has to be.\u00a0 Gray doesn\u2019t work anymore.\u00a0 Either I trust God or I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I ponder what I have learned these past 3 years.\u00a0 I have learned:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • I need an anchor<\/strong>— the storms of life get nasty and rough, I need an anchor to keep me from being lost at sea.<\/li>\n
  • I need a purpose<\/strong> — I need a reason to get out of bed to face one more day and step into it and really live, not just survive.<\/li>\n
  • I need meaning <\/strong>\u2013 what is this all for? At times, it all seems very meaningless, this life cycle of living then dying and eventually being erased by the waves of time.\u00a0 What is my meaning in all of this?\u00a0 (because the reality of death is smacking me in the face and even though most of my peers act invincible, I clearly know that I am not!)\\<\/li>\n
  • I need something bigger than myself<\/strong>. Bigger than my own ideas, ambitions, and dreams.\u00a0 I need something that will touch my brokenness, and the pain of my life-experience, trauma, and grief.\u00a0 I need something bigger than the love I have within me to heal my wounds — my self-love fails me, it is not big enough for the hurts of my world.<\/li>\n
  • I need grace.<\/strong> I need the kindness that grace is.\u00a0 I need a release from my try-hard, never measure up life.\u00a0 I need the fresh breath of life that grace is.\u00a0 You know like the kind of grace I give my kid by hugging and kissing him when he\u2019s hurt himself doing something I\u2019ve told him not to. (not that I\u2019m good at dishing out that kind of grace, but I think that should help you get the picture\u2026.love even if I\u2019ve messed up, and no matter what)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Do I still trust God?<\/p>\n

    In these moments I muster just enough faith to say:<\/p>\n

    Yes.<\/p>\n

    Yes, I still trust God; because not trusting Him is a dismal proposition for me.\u00a0 In each hardship, with each question, with each impossibility I keep wrestling and I keep coming back to my faith.\u00a0 I come back to my faith that gives me everything that brain cancer, watching my friend lose her life, facing losing my life, contemplating my children losing their mother, my husband losing his lover- tries to steal.<\/p>\n

    Through my faith I find purpose, I find meaning, I find something bigger than this fragile human body I\u2019m housed in, I find an anchor and I find grace.\u00a0 So much gracious love that is a salve for my wounds.<\/p>\n

    And for me, most of all I find HOPE.\u00a0 I find a way to keep waking up each day with the ability to claim joy and peace in the hours ahead.\u00a0 Hope that what feels and seems impossible can be possible.\u00a0 I find hope that maybe, just maybe I can keep living, like really living — thriving— when death stares me angrily in the face and grief is a heavy cloak on my shoulders.<\/p>\n

    So, this is how I celebrate the Christmas season this year \u2013 with brilliant joy (children anticipating delights, decorations, and ornaments, enjoying lights and baking favorite cookies\u2026) interrupted by grief. Deep grief.\u00a0 Real Grief. Real life. Pressing forward on this bumpy road.<\/p>\n

    If advent was a bumpy road for Mary traveling to Bethlehem, for me it\u2019s like riding a rollercoaster up and down.\u00a0 Like the rollercoaster Ryan and I rode at Busch Gardens in Florida.\u00a0 We went there one year that was freezing so we were front of the line, everytime.\u00a0 There we sat in the \u201cbest seats\u201d of this ride: front row, feet dangling, unable to see the track we were apparently attached to.\u00a0 A terrifying thrill. This advent, I think I hear Jesus whisper in my ear with a wink in his eye, his hand grasping mine, \u201cI love a wild ride\u201d then as he climbs in next to me and pulls his harness over his chest, \u201cwe got this\u201d and with a smile, \u201clets see who screams louder.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I cry, not sure if I am happy or sad, probably both.\u00a0 Usually I hold my harness with a death grip on rides, today I hold Jesus\u2019 hand.\u00a0 Hard.\u00a0 He turns to me, \u201cI won\u2019t let go Cheryl, I won\u2019t let go.\u201d\u00a0 And the ride drops into seemingly freefall and I scream and squeeze; delight and terror.<\/p>\n

    I think just maybe we zoomed past Charlene cheering me on with all her hoots and hollers, her body that no longer worked now fixed, spunky as ever.<\/p>\n

    Then down we drop and loop around.<\/p>\n

    This is my life.\u00a0 It is terrifying. It is grief laden.\u00a0 It is full of beauty and celebration and\u00a0 childhood joys.\u00a0 It is more and better life than I could have ever imagined.<\/p>\n

    This advent, this Christmas season, I hope you reach out and take hold of the gifts right in front of you.\u00a0 The joy that can always be found.\u00a0 And I invite you into an engaged life \u2013 filled with interruption and gratitude, joy and grief, purpose and meaning, anchored in hope and love.<\/p>\n

    This advent, whether you\u2019re biting the head off a gingerbread man or sinking your teeth deep into the ripe fruit of grief, my hope is that advent blesses you with her promise: more and better life than you could ever have imagined.<\/p>\n

    XOXO
    \nCheryl<\/p>\n<\/div>

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