The image I\u2019ve chosen for this post is one that I acquired at a retreat I went to a year ago.\u00a0 I resonated with the image because most of it is blurry.\u00a0 It felt like my life, most of it was out of focus, I couldn\u2019t see the future, and all I could do was focus on the present moment \u2013 planning was out of the question. Uncertainty was pervasive.<\/p>\n
There is so much talk about uncertainty these days.\u00a0 Indeed there is<\/em> so much uncertainty.\u00a0 Given my past years\u2019 experience with tremendous uncertainty I feel like I have a voice to speak into uncertainty; a space to share what I have learned on my journey.\u00a0 Yet as I sit to write the words don\u2019t seem to come.\u00a0 Probably because I\u2019m so tired from spending all day long with all of my children \u2013 and their voices ring out in the background!\u00a0 So I\u2019ll do my best (since that\u2019s all any of us can do.)<\/p>\n I feel like I don\u2019t know exactly what to say in light of all that\u2019s going on in our world.\u00a0 But what I can do is share a couple snipnets from my own journey with the uncertainty that a glioblastoma diagnosis laid at my feet.\u00a0 At the end of February, before the reality of COVID really hit, I journalled about transitions.\u00a0 Cancer has thrown my life into one huge ever-morphing transition.\u00a0 Perhaps these words will resonate with the transitions you are encountering in your life these days.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The road of life is bumpy — particularly the transitions.\u00a0 I guess I always thought that transitions ought to be smooth.\u00a0 Even if a transition is good this does not necessarily mean it will be easy.\u00a0 In fact, I am finding as I grow up (wink, wink) that the most difficult things in life are often the very best things in life: marriage, motherhood, coming out the other end of cancer chaos.\u00a0 It is time to start enjoying the journey, not just looking for a picture-perfect ending.\u00a0 There is beauty, right here in the muck of life!\u00a0 My Christian faith tells me that the very <\/em>kingdom<\/em> of <\/em>God<\/em> is right here, right now!\u00a0 This path is so good \u2013 bumps and all!!!\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n Wisdom for my children: Stop expecting life to be smooth and start enjoying the thrills of it bumpy and often mucky road.<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s ok to wrestle with the challenge of transitions. Lots of grace is necessary.\u00a0 Remember to be kind to yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Backtrack a couple years when I was in the thick of processing how\u00a0 to live in the wilderness of remission and all it\u2019s uncertainty given my dire prognosis, I wrote this poem.\u00a0 It feels fitting to share it here during these days.\u00a0 Because although uncertainty naturally elicits uncomfortable anxious emotions, uncertainty can also unveil new and beautiful pathways, step by step.\u00a0 Here we go!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I had a friend named certainty<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n I had a friend named certainty<\/strong> In her vacant spot<\/strong> To heal from my loss<\/strong> I pretended certainty had returned<\/strong> Until <\/strong> Slowly as I cleared the rubble <\/strong> Rashly I plucked her out a few more times<\/strong> Slowly she became<\/strong> But<\/strong><\/p>\n My lover visits me and raves about her beauty.<\/strong><\/p>\n Slowly she becomes familiar<\/strong> Amazement captivates me as the stone gives way to dirt.<\/strong> I marvel as my garden grows<\/strong> One day I bravely let my gaze creep upwards, <\/p>\n <\/p>\n To close I\u2019ll end with gratitude.\u00a0 I am grateful that years ago I learned the mantra: \u201cIt will be okay.\u201d And more recently, \u201cbe kind to yourself.\u201d\u00a0 These have been invaluable.\u00a0 I am grateful that I went to the counselor a month or so ago to discuss measures I could use to reduce the anxiety that mounts in motherhood when my kids are, well, kids behaving like kids.\u00a0 These tools have been extremely helpful and I am so thankful for them with my kids around ALL the time.\u00a0 I am grateful that I have already implemented gratitude, mindfulness, relaxation, and expanded my meditation practice so I can readily engage these during days of social distancing and LOTS of time at home.\u00a0 I am grateful for my pharmacist colleagues and all the other medical professionals out there battling COVID-19.\u00a0 I am grateful for my faith which anchors me and reminds me to be joyful in what today brings my way and to not worry about tomorrow.<\/p>\n Grace to you all, wherever your<\/em> journey finds you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n XOXO, <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The image I\u2019ve chosen for this post is one that I acquired at a retreat I went to a year ago.\u00a0 I resonated with the image because most of it is blurry.\u00a0 It felt like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":804,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
\nOne day she up and left<\/strong>
\nMe in the room alone.<\/strong>
\nI tried my best to call her back;<\/strong>
\nI hollered, wept and begged<\/strong>
\nThe empty space between us.<\/strong>
\nYet never again did she return.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nI began to see a bud poke <\/strong>
\nVulnerably up through a crack<\/strong>
\nIn the stone floor.<\/strong>
\nUncertainty was her name .<\/strong>
\nI plucked her firmly <\/strong>
\nTossed her in the trash<\/strong>
\nAnd wept in mourning.<\/strong>
\nI cemented the fissure<\/strong>
\nWishing, hoping, dreaming <\/strong>
\nOf certainty’s return.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nI resurrected a monument to certainty atop that crack in my foundation.<\/strong>
\nSlowly it became big and impressive-<\/strong>
\nNearly touching the ceiling!<\/strong>
\n(No need to worry about the crack beneathe.)<\/strong>
\nI worked so hard gained letters behind my name<\/strong>
\nI perfected my physique<\/strong>
\nAnd found myself becoming a mother<\/strong>
\nA working mom<\/strong>
\nThen<\/strong>
\nMom of twins<\/strong>
\nSo self-sufficient<\/strong>
\nI thought myself so capable<\/strong>
\nDoing ALL of this.<\/strong>
\nSo proud of this impressive monument.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nAnd enjoyed myself in the charade<\/strong>
\nThe new busy routine that soothed.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nOne wretched day<\/strong>
\ndown crashed my monument<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nI saw uncertainty’s bud again.<\/strong>
\nI looked at her scornfully<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nBefore I finally conceded my defeat<\/strong>
\n“Fine! You win” I shouted with anger.<\/strong>
\nIn exhaustion I let the bud grow<\/strong>
\nAll the while<\/strong>
\nScorning her existence<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nA flower<\/strong>
\nShe is like nothing I have seen before<\/strong>
\nHer unfamiliarity drives me to despise her more<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nSlowly I realize how beautiful she is<\/strong>
\nSlowly I stop pruning her.<\/strong>
\nAnd as I let her grow wild<\/strong>
\nThe cracks in my foundation spread.<\/strong>
\nAt first I am off balance<\/strong>
\nYet, strangely I don’t mind<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nAnd as I reach into this Messy soil<\/strong>
\nIt feels rich and alive<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nHer unpredictability has me
\n<\/strong>excitedly waiting to see what pops up next.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>my eyes following the vine of uncertainty to the ceiling<\/strong>
\nI squint my eyes and question:<\/strong>
\n“Is that what my ceiling has always looked like?”<\/strong>
\nVibrantly my lover replies,<\/strong>
\n“A ceiling? No, my love, that is the sky.”<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nCheryl<\/p>\n