Ok folks, here it is: an Easter Blog post highlighting my heightened need these days to experience and express grace.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been working on this 15 minutes at time whenever I get the chance between my 3 children\u2019s incessant demands for food, school assistance and entertainment.\u00a0 Thought I\u2019d get this posted several days ago, but you know, life these day\u2026\u00a0 (so in these few short paragraphs you get a synopsis of my past couple weeks)<\/p>\n
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Indeed, these days are wearing on me.\u00a0 I am an introvert, so far the seclusion doesn\u2019t bother me much.\u00a0 But it is driving my husband crazy.\u00a0 And exhaustion is pressing in on me.\u00a0 I am so. Very. Tired.\u00a0 I have felt all sorts of tired over the past 4 years, from mothering twins to weathering chemo and radiation, to the fatiguing emotional toll that anxiety squeezed out of me in the aftermath of my glioblastoma diagnosis.\u00a0 This isolation brings a new fatigue brought on by wrestling with my feelings that this tiredness is not warranted. Guilt and shame smoother me with their grime.\u00a0 I look at my pharmacist colleagues, and all the other medical professionals working their butts off, putting themselves at risk and I feel the guilt and shame of not working in this crisis. \u00a0They<\/em> have permission to be tired.\u00a0 Not me. I am enjoying thinking up ideas to teach my daughter in grade 2 and my twins in preschool (I absolutely love learning and participating in my kids\u2019 learning).\u00a0 Because I enjoy it, it feels like it shouldn\u2019t be tiring.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0But it is very tiring.\u00a0 Furthermore, many parents are the sole caregivers for their 3 young children.\u00a0 If they do it, I must just need to pull up my bootstraps and dig in to the exhaustion.<\/p>\n This is what I feel; but I know these thoughts are not good for my soul..\u00a0 I know this because I\u2019ve started listening to Brene Brown\u2019s podcasts and she addresses this upfront: comparative suffering is NOT helpful- to anyone.\u00a0 Furthermore, she calls her listeners to be kind to themselves, this is an \u201cF\u201ding first time (FFT) as she call it.\u00a0 The first time doing anything <\/em>will most certainly feel awkward and awful.\u00a0 It\u2019s just the very nature of an FFT! This awkwardness and awfulness needs to be embraced in order to move forward. (1)<\/p>\n Moreover, I personally know such thoughts aren\u2019t helpful because I woke up yesterday morning with tears of exhaustion and resentment and sadness.\u00a0 I feel like I am doing a good job with my kids.\u00a0 But I feel so alone in it and so tired.\u00a0 Ryan is busy figuring out what he needs to do to keep his small business afloat.\u00a0 He is frustrated that he can\u2019t play sports anymore.\u00a0 In all of this I feel grief and sorrow about needing to mostly set aside my writing.\u00a0 Twofold, it feels silly; BIG health situations are going on right now, and I know what it\u2019s like to have a BIG health situation.\u00a0 Missing writing time feels inconsequential in comparison.\u00a0 I easily forget that writing has been one of my greatest therapies and furthermore, that I have been writing with the intention to spread hope, which is in diminishing supply these days.\u00a0 When I begin to view writing solely as a hobby, it seems very dispensable and I struggle to wrestle out the time to make it happen.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Secondly, it feels silly because, this pops in my head frequently, \u201cwho am \u00a0I to think my writing has any significance and importance\u2014it can easily be brushed aside.\u201d<\/p>\n These days, I struggle to feel my worth.\u00a0 My identity crisis from a year or so ago resurfaces.\u00a0 I fight to believe that anything beyond raising my kids was of any value these past 3 years. Exhale.\u00a0 I said it.\u00a0 My fear of not measuring up has ballooned lately.\u00a0 If I\u2019m honest I feel saddened in all of this.\u00a0 I feel alone because already before COVID my situation felt topsy-tervy and I had to fight to claim my innate value and worth without my profession.\u00a0 Now I feel a sense of grief that this dream I was being brave enough to pursue \u2013 writing my memoir \u2013 needs to mostly be set aside.\u00a0 Again my grief does not feel warranted, but it is poignant and brings with it feelings of urgency.\u00a0\u00a0 I am scared that with dramatically reduced \u201cfree time\u201d, I will run out of time to finish legacy projects, such as my memoir. \u00a0\u00a0My prognosis has shown me how very precious a commodity time<\/em> is.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen that society gives this commodity too little value.\u00a0 I struggle to be present in today, because what today demands of me, shortens the amount of time to accomplish and achieve my re-worked dream and hope of publishing my book.<\/p>\n So what do I do?\u00a0 I take a few moments to feel my feelings (they are 100% real and valid) and then I decide I press in to the joy and the exhaustion and loneliness.\u00a0 I choose to be satisfied.\u00a0 I choose to keep myself firmly rooted in my faith, so I can weather this storm.\u00a0 I choose to give myself permission to be sad.\u00a0 Finally, I choose to have gratitude.\u00a0 I am so grateful, that though I am exhausted I do not feel overwhelmed or anxious.\u00a0 I am grateful that it is spring.\u00a0 I choose to savor her delights of the birds chirping outside my window.\u00a0 I am grateful I can roam outside into my neighborhood.\u00a0 I am grateful my husband has given me these moments to put these thoughts in text.\u00a0 I choose to live satisfied for what I have, even in the grief and the shame and fears of my lack of worth.<\/p>\n I choose to live satisfied and trust.\u00a0 I trust that there will be time.\u00a0 I trust that I can sit present in this season, because there WILL be time for writing my memoir after this.\u00a0 I choose to trust in my worth.<\/p>\n In my scripture reading today Jesus asks, \u201cBut what about you? Who do you say I am?\u201d (Luke 9:20)<\/p>\n I heeded the question and journaled my response: Jesus is Grace.\u00a0 There\u2019s more to my response, but since I\u2019ve had to put this post aside for a couple days (finding time to write is challenging these days!) I\u2019ve begun to ponder Easter and the Holy Week the Christian faith is participating in.\u00a0 Easter is all about grace.\u00a0 It\u2019s about Jesus saying, \u201cwell you missed the mark, but I\u2019ve made it right\u201d.\u00a0 The importance of accepting grace has been a profound journey for me this past year.\u00a0 So this Easter season is different than others for me \u2013 I am experiencing grace in a very deep and vast way.\u00a0 This year I\u2019ve come to appreciate my immense need for grace : grace to be kind to myself and not to beat myself up about unmet expectations, grace to extend that sort of kindness to others, especially my children, grace to acknowledge short-comings, but not to let them derail me into a shame spiral, grace to see beauty even among difficult moments, grace to slow down even when there is so much to do.\u00a0 Easter is the biggest representation of Grace in the Christian faith.\u00a0 And (confession time) though I don\u2019t emotionally connect with the crucifixion story, I deeply connect with it as a symbol of grace. Grace is about breaking the rules.\u00a0 Consequences being diverted and religion being shattered.\u00a0 No more stringent do\u2019s and don\u2019ts, rather, its about believing, trusting, and embracing the giver of grace.\u00a0 Grace is extreme kindness and that is what Easter is all about for me!<\/p>\n So who do I say Jesus is?<\/p>\n Jesus is Grace \u2013 Love that doesn\u2019t need to be earned.\u00a0 I need beautiful gracious love to envelope me.\u00a0 Gracious love that speaks my innate worth, that speaks promise and hope, confidence of the present and future goodness right here, right now, and always. No matter what.\u00a0 Jesus is the one who gives rest in the storm giving my soul space to be shielded and guarded all the while it is embraced in the kindest compassionate hug.\u00a0 Jesus is the one who transforms the rickety dilapidated bridge crossing the scary chasm that life has felt like, into a refreshing meadow of wildflowers. (2)\u00a0 He is gentle and fierce; kind in his embrace and ferocious in fighting battles on my behalf so I can rest.<\/p>\n He is protector of my soul who won\u2019t let harm get through the door, so I can nourish my body soul and mind, enjoying the banquet of life.\u00a0 He satisfies me with all the goodness surrounding me.\u00a0 He is the one who gives me permission to voice my hurts and is the salve to soothe them.\u00a0 He empowers me to courageously keep pressing forward into what today has for me.\u00a0 Jesus keeps my eyes looking up and head above water when I feel like I am drowning.\u00a0 Hope abounds in the gracious love that the Divine grants so I can say, \u201ctoday I will not drown!\u201d<\/p>\n Nope, not today.\u00a0 Today, though I feel tired, worn, alone, I will thrive.\u00a0 Yes, I will thrive!<\/p>\n THIS, this is who I say that Jesus is.<\/p>\n Maybe this doesn\u2019t resonate with you.\u00a0 That\u2019s fine. \u00a0Perhaps the following will.\u00a0 It\u2019s a prose-like poem that came to me.\u00a0 My daughter loves reading fantasy, a genre I was never fond of, I think perhaps my exposure to fantasy has, however, shaped this poem.\u00a0 Perhaps here you can embrace grace in a greater way.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Backed in a corner trapped in a stifling space: It\u2019s on the other side. I find it: the door! Could it be? <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n These days have been so hard, Beyond the door I\u2019m immersed in splendor. I find myself in the arms of the I rest in her arms \u00a0<\/em>Song gratefully flows from my lips praising her I smile. Be still, <\/p>\n If your soul feels dry today, I encourage you to seek for the divine in your life and you will find him or her or whatever that looks like for you.\u00a0 Perhaps you have your own story of how you thrive these days.\u00a0 If so I\u2019d love to hear it.\u00a0 May we empower one another by sharing our vulnerable, real, sad, lonely, yet brilliant and hope-filled stories.<\/p>\n I\u2019ll close with the line from the song \u201cSymphony\u201d that I\u2019ve been listening to on repeat by the band, Switch:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n XOXO Cheryl<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 1)Unlocking us with Brene Brown<\/em> podcast, episode on comparative suffering (March 26, 2020) and episode on FFTs (March 19,2020)<\/p>\n 2) Over the past couple of years of meditation I\u2019ve had these images of my life morph.\u00a0 My life initially felt like a suspension bridge over a deep canyon.\u00a0 My life required me to cross this chasm; but, more than half of the wooden planks of the bridge were broken or missing.\u00a0 As I stood terrified looking at my certain destruction, I saw the broken and missing planks appear \u2013 present like the image of a computer glitch: supernatural, translucent steps that required trust to step forward on.\u00a0 They miraculously held my body as foot by\u00a0 foot I pressed forward.\u00a0 As the days turned to months, the planks became solid wood, all of them.\u00a0 My apprehension of crossing this chasm eased slightly; I could trust each step more whole-heartedly.\u00a0 Then one day the canyon floor began to rise up to meet the base of the bridge and dissolve the bridge since it was no longer needed.\u00a0 Instead of a terrifying chasm, there was a delightful meadow filled with lush greens, colorful flowers, and peaceful melodies.\u00a0 What was once an agonizing journey, morphed into a soul-rejuvenating meadow.\u00a0 And yet again just last week, the image morphed to include a nourishing picnic with hugs from the divine herself.\u00a0 This is what my journey towards a greater embrace of grace has looked liked for me.\u00a0 I attribute this journey and these images to my spiritual awakening rooted in the grace of God.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Ok folks, here it is: an Easter Blog post highlighting my heightened need these days to experience and express grace.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been working on this 15 minutes at time whenever I get the chance between […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":810,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[38,35,36,28,37],"tags":[30,39,40],"class_list":["post-809","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-brene-brown-inspiration","category-covid","category-easter","category-gratitude","category-identity-crisis","tag-cancer","tag-easter","tag-identity"],"yoast_head":"\n
\n<\/em>A damp dark room with seemingly no escape,
\n<\/em>I search persistently to find the door.
\n<\/em>Pausing to listen
\n<\/em>I hear the rap-tap-tap!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>A door, there must be a door!
\n<\/em>Intently, I scour the cold walls with my hands,
\n<\/em>They reveal nothing,
\n<\/em>So my fingernails scrape the filth of the dirt floor,
\n<\/em>searching. Desperate.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>Air escapes my lungs in forceful exhale
\n<\/em>I pause, hope wells up within me,
\n<\/em>I feel emotion trickle down my cheeks<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>my hands and nails and face are grimy.
\n<\/em>I wrestle and struggle, eventually freeing the rusty latch;
\n<\/em>The old and tired hinges creak and moan.
\n<\/em>As the door opens
\n<\/em>My body falls through with relief and awe.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>Here I find an open, bright prairie-like expanse of wildflowers.
\n<\/em>There is a light so bright and energizing and calming all the same.
\n<\/em>My soul floods with hope and peace and joy and delight
\n<\/em>All fused in marvelous wonder.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>Gentle and strong magnificent being awaiting me at the door
\n<\/em>She assures me that this splendor is mine
\n<\/em>And I know THIS is the very best place I\u2019ve ever been.
\n<\/em>She assures me, indeed this <\/em>is the very best place I could ever be.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>She holds my hands and spreads her magestic wings
\n<\/em>like a protective canopy above me.
\n<\/em>When I rise she leads me to a picnic prepared for me
\n<\/em>The delightful fruit nourishes my body and
\n<\/em>The splendor satisfies my soul.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>For all she has done.
\n<\/em>She kisses my forehead, tells me she loves me and whispers in my ear:
\n<\/em>\u201cI\u2019ve been waiting for you child.
\n<\/em>I\u2019ve been waiting so long for you.
\n<\/em>My heart has ached for you
\n<\/em>And today is a very good day.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>What can I say but, \u201cThank you!\u201d
\n<\/em>\u201cI would do anything for you child.\u201d She replies.
\n<\/em>Her lovely voice sings words I\u2019ve never heard before.
\n<\/em>Words of deep kindness, love and grace.
\n<\/em>Words of never-ending
\n<\/em>Goodness.<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>listen
\n<\/em>and you will hear them
\n<\/em>Satisfy
\nyour soul <\/em>too.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cThrough all of this chaos you are writing a symphony.\u201d<\/h2>\n
\nSending an extra dose of love and hope and gratitude today, I think we all need it.<\/p>\n