{"id":819,"date":"2020-07-21T16:49:14","date_gmt":"2020-07-21T23:49:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/?p=819"},"modified":"2020-07-21T16:49:14","modified_gmt":"2020-07-21T23:49:14","slug":"this-is-my-beach","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2020\/07\/21\/this-is-my-beach\/","title":{"rendered":"This is my beach"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here we are in this beautiful front porch portrait, it is not a lake house, it\u2019s our house in the city;
\n<\/em>but let me tell you why this is my beach.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n

 <\/p>\n

This is my beach<\/u><\/strong><\/h4>\n

My beach is<\/strong>
\na home where love is deeply felt<\/strong>
\nwhere beauty penetrates our<\/strong>
\npaint-chipped, sticky fingered, crayon-decorated walls<\/strong>
\nwhere joy is always in our reach.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ha!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Look at the mess<\/strong>
\nand uncleaned toilets<\/strong>
\n(very<\/em> uncleaned toilets)<\/strong>
\nunwiped mouths and cheerios on the floor<\/strong>
\nratty-tatty hair like a little nest.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(I think I hear a bird chirping her pretty tune)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here you find<\/strong>
\nthe kind of laughter that heals like medicine<\/strong>
\nthe kind of beauty you can’t hang on a wall<\/strong>
\nthe kind of joy that<\/strong>
\nthe stresses of life can\u2019t quench<\/strong>
\nthe kind of Hope that can\u2019t be deflated<\/strong>
\nthe kind of life that presses on in<\/strong>
\nrhythmic routine<\/strong>
\npunctuated by surprises:<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Good, exciting, difficult, horrible, impossible surprises.)<\/strong><\/p>\n

As I stop to listen I hear<\/strong>
\nthe calming waves that soothe my soul:<\/strong>
\nthe I love yous<\/strong>
\nthe sleeping breaths with eyes closed.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As I stop to listen I hear<\/strong>
\nthe powerful waves that invigorate my spirit:<\/strong>
\nthe little feet running, ever so able<\/strong>
\nthe giggles, silly and innocent, increasing in volume<\/strong>
\nto full-bellied laughter.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Oh how vital it is to stop and listen)<\/strong><\/p>\n

No miles need to be travelled<\/strong>
\nno money needs to be spent<\/strong>
\nto find rich beauty,<\/strong>
\ndeafening serenity<\/strong>
\nunstoppable love,<\/strong>
\nand life pulsing<\/strong>
\nwith exciting,<\/strong>
\nepic,<\/strong>
\nmemory making.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is my Beach<\/strong>
\nplease sink your feet in her sand.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(and resist the urge to bury your head here too.)<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t been blogging much lately.\u00a0 My personal time has been dramatically diminished since the onset of Covid.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been fighting for spare moments and struggling to know how to leverage their scarcity into optimal use of time.\u00a0 Anyone relate?<\/p>\n

Any \u201cfree\u201d moments I find I\u2019ve been trying to piece together more of my cancer memoir.\u00a0 This has been frustrating at best (not the work itself, but the struggle to create \u2013 what feels like out of thin air- time to do the work.)\u00a0 And just last week I found myself burned out. \u00a0My life holds so much doing, thinking, planning. \u00a0I was trying to write, to ramp up my fitness a wee bit, to keep the kids\u2019 physical activity level up.\u00a0 I was processing the big issues of our world of privilege, racism, alongside wrestling with certain constructs of my faith.\u00a0 We are also trying to prep our yard to hopefully build a bigger deck and add some garden boxes and raspberry bushes next year.\u00a0 You know, because now we are staring at our yard everyday and spending so very much time there.\u00a0 I was trying to do and be too much and my body began to tell me so.\u00a0 I am grateful that I listened (and I am grateful grandma has the kids today so I can write this).\u00a0 Indeed, this season has been challenging, especially here in July with the cancellation of our summer vacation.<\/p>\n

Even so it has been a good season.\u00a0 (aren\u2019t they all if we keep our heart soft?)\u00a0 I\u2019m working very hard at being content with where I am.\u00a0 Practicing gratitude and meditation; and pressing in to grace and in to Jesus have been lifelines for me.<\/p>\n

So, where am I? (besides of course, right here at home!)<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve completed the first half of my memoir and have come to a point where I realized I need to rework the outline I\u2019ve created for the second half.\u00a0 It has been fascinating, difficult, and rewarding work to delve afresh into the days or my glioblastoma diagnosis and treatment.\u00a0 And to wrestle through what the days following were like.\u00a0 To see the gutsy struggle of walking through the wilderness of cancer \u201cremission\u201d, to see how hard I\u2019ve worked to try to reclaim a sense of normalcy and a riddance of anxiety.\u00a0 In the calm, I\u2019ve been able to see a more holistic picture of my life.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t expect huge strides on my memoir.\u00a0 Bit by bit it will come together.\u00a0 And I\u2019ve been reminded in the past week that I need to set a sustainable pace for myself.\u00a0 (this has always been hard for me, but particularly with my prognosis always looming, even if only in the distant background).\u00a0 So I have found myself hustling.\u00a0 Hustling for my worth, as Brene Brown says.\u00a0 My default.\u00a0 Doing, doing, doing, as much as I possibly can\u2026..until I can\u2019t.<\/p>\n

When my body tells me \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d it is a good place to stop and remember to enjoy life.\u00a0 It is a good place to remember that life is about the journey- its about living out, in and through the processes.\u00a0 It\u2019s not about the end result.\u00a0 Because, well, we all know what the end result of life is \u2013 death. Yikes. I do not want to rush there!<\/p>\n

Artsy things help combat my perfectionism.\u00a0 So with 2 days of burn-out induced rest behind me I got out some crafts and painting to do with the kids.\u00a0 I had these craft supplies because they were on my \u201cto-do\u201d list for the summer.\u00a0 You know the \u201cI have to get these done, no matter if its fun or not!\u201d to-do list item.\u00a0 My crafting day, I realized, was a necessity for both my soul and for my children\u2019s.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It got me in a better head-space.\u00a0 It rekindled the thought that perhaps I ought to bust out the poet in me again.\u00a0 My favorite form of art that a bit ago I brushed aside again because I decided I\u2019m not very good at it.\u00a0 Today I say, \u201cScrew that!\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s about the process.\u00a0 It\u2019s about the journey.\u00a0 It\u2019s not about the end result!!!<\/p>\n

This morning I woke up remembering a poem I wrote 2 years ago.\u00a0 This was a time of life when I watched everyone posting their beautiful, lovely, fantastic photos of their perfect vacations on social media.\u00a0 Looking at those photos, I salivated with a sense of \u201cgrrrr\u201d inside me because of the improbability of those vacations for my own family with the age of my kids and my health condition and my anxiety-riddled self.\u00a0 It was then, that I wrote the poem, This is my beach<\/em>, to remind myself that I do not need a fancy vacation to enjoy life.\u00a0 I am reminded of this now, as once again, I see lovely lake vacations on social media and there\u2019s a sense of \u201cgrrrr\u201d inside me that my lake vacation is cancelled due to Covid.<\/p>\n

To release this \u201cgrrr\u201d (isn\u2019t that such a great term for it?!) I must practice all I have learned over the years.\u00a0 I release perfectionism.\u00a0 Instead, I embrace the courage to live whole-heartedly.\u00a0 I embrace the present and living as much as possible in the present moments I\u2019m given.\u00a0 I sit with a sense of \u201cpoorness\u201d in my spirit and let it soften my heart, so I may be given eyes to see the wonders all around me. (1)\u00a0 I embrace gratitude for all I\u2019ve been given and I acknowledge that I\u2019ve been given so much.\u00a0 I remind myself to be kind to myself.\u00a0 I embrace the love that I experience trusting that it will saturate me and flow out of me.\u00a0 I embrace my need for connection and seek to know what that means in a culture of disconnection and in a season of necessary physical distancing.<\/p>\n

And it is through poetry that I can explore what all of this means.\u00a0 In poetry I might \u201cget it wrong\u201d, but I think I like poetry because really is there a way to get poetry \u201cwrong\u201d?\u00a0 It is through the art of poetry that I allow myself to break the rules of perfectionism.\u00a0 To play with words.\u00a0 To be creative for creativity\u2019s sake, for my<\/em> sake (self-care anyone?).\u00a0 To say something simple, that is perhaps profound.\u00a0 Explore my poem for yourself and see what you find.\u00a0 I\u2019d love to hear if you uncover a treasure or two.<\/p>\n

And wherever life finds you today, I invite you to sit with me on the beach and feel the sand between your toes.<\/p>\n

XOXO,
\nCheryl<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Matthew 5:3<\/li>\n
  2. A special thank you to my friend for gifting me with our welcome sign and arranging our front porch portrait session- a perfect gift \ud83d\ude42<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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