{"id":88,"date":"2018-01-24T00:12:00","date_gmt":"2018-01-24T00:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/24\/better-to-have-loved\/"},"modified":"2018-01-24T00:12:00","modified_gmt":"2018-01-24T00:12:00","slug":"better-to-have-loved","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/24\/better-to-have-loved\/","title":{"rendered":"Better To Have Loved"},"content":{"rendered":"

I wrote the following post and immediately felt that it was perhaps my most raw and beautiful post yet.  <\/span>I wanted Ryan\u2019s consent before publishing it; he immediately supported me posting it.  <\/span>I reread my post, and was again pleased with what I had written.  <\/span>But in this post I feel vulnerable in a new way, so I\u2019ve hesitated, letting this document sit in my \u201cunpublished\u201d folder.  <\/span>The thought crossed my mind, perhaps this is too personal to share.  <\/span>It\u2019s been a week.  <\/span>Today in my quiet time I wrote this:<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

What good is a closed book on the shelf \u2013 collecting dust?
(No use at all.)
And so I choose to live my life as an open book.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

So today I share.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Better to Have Loved<\/u><\/b><\/p>\n

 Yesterday, I faced her.  <\/span>Fear, grief, loss, emotion that can\u2019t be labeled; it just sits in the gut raw and real and calls to be heard.  <\/span>I didn\u2019t intentionally decide I was now ready to face her.  <\/span>In a way she popped up; I guess my heart and soul and body knew I was ready to enter this stage of grief.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I\u2019m almost done writing letters to my children for each year of their lives through graduation.  <\/span>This has been an onerous project; daunting at first \u2013 so many letters to write, how much time to write them unknown.  <\/span>But it is beautiful as I enter these moments of writing letter I find myself traveling time.  <\/span>I feel so very present in the moments I am writing for and yet so very absent.  <\/span>It breaks my heart and builds me up all in the same stroke.  <\/span>It is sorrow and celebration intertwined.  <\/span>With over a year of writing these letters I am well versed in the dance of hoping mightily for the future, preparing for the \u201cworst\u201d, and trying to live fully present joyfully in today.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 Yesterday I sat down to write letters to my children.  <\/span>When I sit with this intention the words spill out onto paper, tumbling without effort.  <\/span>But, yesterday I sat and I was cracked open when what spilled out was raw, real, beautiful love of a different sort.  <\/span>I invite you to come along the journey, as intimate as it may be, because this beauty is too marvelous not to share.<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I have a legacy notebook, a journal for keeping track of the letters I have written and ideas for future letters.  <\/span>Upon my cancer diagnosis I jotted down a list of \u201cplans\u201d for my letters: letters to my children each year, letters to Ryan, writing out our wedding story\u2026.  <\/span>There is always more to write about.  <\/span>Number three on my list was \u201cwrite a letter to my kids\u2019 future mom and my husband\u2019s future wife\u201d.  <\/span>It sat there untouched, not needing to be opened, until yesterday when I happened upon writing this letter.<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I wrote the letter- to my husband\u2019s future wife, with tears falling; but I remained composed and did not crumble into a weeping mess.  <\/span>I came home to my busy life, made supper with my husband then bid him goodnight as he left to play pickleball. I fell asleep in my daughter\u2019s bed as she asked me to lay beside her at bedtime.  <\/span>I awoke and traipsed to my own bed, ready to continue my slumber.  <\/span>But my grief said, \u201cwe are not finished yet.\u201d<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I began sobbing, crying.  <\/span>The letter came back.  <\/span>I put on the song that my husband recorded for me.  <\/span>I grieved that I would lose this man, by me losing my life.  <\/span>When he came home I was awake crying.  <\/span>The words to explain my tears felt impossible to say.  <\/span>He was patient and waited until I was ready.  <\/span>I mustered courage and resolve, \u201ctoday I wrote a letter to your future wife\u201d I said.  <\/span>\u201cOh\u201d He replied, knowly, \u201cI see\u201d.  <\/span>We didn\u2019t say much, other than acknowledging the awareness of this potential reality.  <\/span>We held one another.  <\/span>Maybe, he just held me?  <\/span>We said enough to know that we love one another in a way that we would never have imagined 15 years ago when we were married.  <\/span>We are in this together and it is beautiful.  <\/span>The trust and intimacy of bravely facing this challenge together is inexplicable.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 By writing a letter to my husband\u2019s future wife I realized how dearly I cherish my husband and desire the ultimate best for his life.  <\/span>But I also realized I have moved through stages of grief.  <\/span>These stages are not linear, but I have seen sorrow, and anger, and bargaining — oh to find the \u201cright prayer\u201d to say to God,—- and here I realize I am journeying into something new.  <\/span>It may be called acceptance.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Luke 9:24<\/st1:time> says:<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I am learning not to cling so tightly to this life of mine and this is precipitating a life-giving transformation.  <\/span>Maybe this has helped me come to a place of acceptance?<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 Acceptance.  <\/span>Acceptance that I have been diagnosed with a life-threatening stage 4 cancer said to most certainly dramatically shorten my life.  <\/span>Acceptance does NOT mean that I am giving up fighting to live.  <\/span>Acceptance does NOT mean I am giving up hope.  <\/span>Acceptance means the emotions have parted, at least temporarily, and I am able to see peace in the reality before me.  <\/span>Perhaps this acceptance ought to be called \u201cpeace that surpasses all understanding\u201d (Phil 4:7) Whatever we call her, I am being transformed.<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 While I used to desperately petition God for my life, now its become a quieter request.  <\/span>A steadfast knowing that God sees my heart and knows my desires.  <\/span>A steadfast knowing that God is in the future, just as he\u2019s been in the present.  <\/span>A steadfast knowing that a simple, whispered request is as powerful as a mighty, emotional plea.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I believe in an Almighty God with power to hear and to act; but, regardless of what happens, I put my faith in Him and trust in Him as I walk out the remainder of my days – as many or as few as they may be.  <\/span>I find beauty everywhere I turn.  <\/span>I live in the beautiful of today because I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  <\/span>My husband\u2019s embrace, my children\u2019s hugs and smiles, words shared between friends: these are no longer taken for granted.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 I feel like the luckiest girl alive, to have been pursued by and fallen in love with my handsome, caring, wise, optimistic, and adventurous husband.  <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Alfred Lloyd Tennesen said, \u201cTis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

 Oh how sweet the love I have for my husband.  <\/span>That he has chosen me, feels incredible.  <\/span>How sweet to know how deeply he loves me in return.  <\/span>He writes me songs, what greater act of romance could there be?<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 In releasing my husband to freely marry again, shall I die, I have uncovered the depths of our love for each other.  <\/span>It is love incomparably beautiful.  <\/span>We are journeying dark roads;  <\/span>but we are hand in hand, and we have the beacon of God\u2019s love to illuminate our path.<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 Strangely, I have come to welcome grief and fear and loss.  <\/span>For they cannot steal joy, they cannot steal love.  <\/span>Indeed, strangely they have come to do quite the opposite: I find love and joy increasingly overflowing in my life.  <\/span>I give thanks for today.  <\/span>I give thanks for a God who is present in it all: fear and grief and loss and anger and pain and love and hope.  <\/span>Most of all, hope.  <\/span>And I remember,<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

\u201cLove never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every <\/i><\/b>circumstance.\u201d I Cor 13:7 (emphasis mine)<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/b><\/i><\/u><\/sub><\/sup><\/strike><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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