{"id":880,"date":"2021-02-01T11:28:51","date_gmt":"2021-02-01T19:28:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/?p=880"},"modified":"2021-02-01T11:28:51","modified_gmt":"2021-02-01T19:28:51","slug":"mri-results-and-memoir-sneak-peek-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cherylrostek.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/01\/mri-results-and-memoir-sneak-peek-2\/","title":{"rendered":"MRI Results and Memoir Sneak Peek #2"},"content":{"rendered":"

This excerpt from my memoir discusses the difficulties of\u00a0 \u201cthe wilderness\u201d- the post-treatment zone of incurable cancer- with a glimpse of events from just last week. Note: “scanxiety” is what the cancer-world calls anxiety about scan results.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Everyday life became nuanced.\u00a0 Was that bump on my head related to my cancer? Was that sore in my mouth a cancer spot secondary to my radiation treatment? Was that squeezing headache an indication of tumor regrowth or just a normal tension headache? Should I be <\/span>this<\/strong> <\/span>tired?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Just last week- a phone call came from my oncologist\u2019s office that he wants to see me in person this appointment (last time was by phone) even though we are in the thick of Covid-19 restrictions.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIn-person?\u201d I inquired frantically hoping for an indication that this was normal protocol, which of course the office assistant was not tasked to provide.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he\u2019ll see you Thursday at 11AM. Have a good day!\u201d She chirped.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Even though I had just been talking to my mom earlier that morning mentioning that I wouldn\u2019t be surprised if my oncologist wanted to see me in person because it had been a year since he had seen me, I frantically hung up the phone and immediately messaged my husband at work :\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDr. Z wants to see me in person! And you can\u2019t come because of Covid restrictions, I\u2019m nervous.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Bad news is delivered in person (been there before) good news is given by phone (been there too).\u00a0 My heart pounded in my chest and the negative thought-reel began rolling until I caught myself.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI\u2019ve been here before\u201d<\/span> I remembered.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWorrying won\u2019t help my situation and it certainly will make it worse.\u00a0 Who can add a day to their life by worrying? no one!\u201d <\/span>Though over the years I\u2019ve become practiced at squashing these thoughts, they still <\/span>always<\/span> appear.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

My husband called, \u201cyeah I\u2019m playing mind games too\u201d he admitted. \u201cI figure if it was bad news they\u2019d let me come into the appointment too.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

The following day I wasn\u2019t overtly aware of the stress of my upcoming appointment, it seemed as if I had learned how to manage this now.\u00a0 Yet, when it was time to pick my kids up from school, I didn\u2019t want to go get them; I needed more quiet.\u00a0 But kids are not something that you can just brush aside and so get them I did.\u00a0 Children are noisy, demanding, and at times all too whiny.\u00a0 My son was \u201changry\u201d -hungry and combative- and my patience was non-existent; I was short fused, easily irritated and I didn\u2019t know why.\u00a0 After my kids went to bed it dawned on me: though I no longer felt overtly stressed by my upcoming oncologist appointment, my subconscious was still holding stress.\u00a0 I had won the battle with my rational brain, but my subconscious was still \u201cwinning.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0I went to bed and awoke the next day with a few minutes to spare, space I intentionally create for grounding myself in quiet reflection before embarking on my day.\u00a0 As I sat in the stillness of the early morning it dawned on me, if my issue was in my subconscious, I needed to <\/span>feel <\/span>my way through this!\u00a0 I had recently learned from reading <\/span>The Body Keeps Score<\/span><\/span> that converse to our rational, thinking brain that sorts out information into a \u201ccoherent story\u201d our \u201cemotional brain\u201d \u201cregisters a different truth: how we experience the situation deep inside.\u201d\u00a0 This is an inner experience that is \u201cbased primarily in physical sensations\u201d and is not easily described in language\u201d. (1)\u00a0 My meditative quiet morning time is a necessary space where I can access these \u201cfeelings\u201d to make sense of my life.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I sat there, with my guard down, open to feeling my feelings.\u00a0 In my journal I penned,\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cthis scanxiety -or whatever you want to call it- is hard and today I\u2019m not going to pretend that it is not!…God give me grace for my kids today\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0I pleaded with my hands open knowing I needed to receive divine help.\u00a0 Before more words came to describe my feelings an image appeared in my mind.\u00a0 It was Mother God (she is how I experience my Divine, Higher Power); into my empty palms she placed a bundle of sunny dandelions, like the ones my kids like to pick in springtime grass.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Dandelions!<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Mother God\u2019s gesture spoke volumes: <\/span>Cheryl, you\u2019re in the dandelions!<\/span> -The dandelions, of course! \u00a0 \u00a0 The dandelions call me to be present right where I am, to find beauty and wonder here.\u00a0 To engage mindfulness which is the precursor to gratitude, (a powerhouse I discuss in depth in my chapter on grace in my memoir)\u00a0 Gratitude is a game changer.\u00a0 When my children are out of control and their emotions have run away on them, my husband and I have a list of measures we have the children use to calm down, listing 5-10 things they are grateful for tops the list.\u00a0 Like a child, I am reminded to immerse myself in mindfulness, wonder and gratitude so I can survey my situation with a thankful heart.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Furthermore, dandelions are a symbol of imagination.\u00a0 Children\u2019s imaginations allow them to blow dandelion puff wishes into the breeze with delight, believing that the impossible is possible.\u00a0 Imagination allows us to create a path forwards where none exists.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

With an embrace from Mother God, dandelions in my hands, I knew that I could press beyond scanxiety calmly into the day.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yet…<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As we drove through the Fraser Valley on the mountain-lined highway towards my oncologist\u2019s office, I noticed my chest tighten.\u00a0 I was calm, but I was still afraid of the cancer coming back.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Kindly, I assured myself, \u201cCheryl, it\u2019s reasonable to always be afraid of that!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

The difference now is that fear doesn\u2019t get the final say;\u00a0 when it appears I can now say, \u201chello fear, I see you.\u201d I\u2019m no longer terrified of fear itself.\u00a0 That is a miraculous difference.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And my MRI RESULTS:<\/strong><\/p>\n

GOOD NEWS!!!!\u00a0 NO SIGNS OF TUMOR REGROWTH!\u00a0 By the grace of God, a bit of pixie dust (aka luck), and the lifestyle changes I\u2019ve implemented there\u2019s no detectable signs of cancer in my brain!\u00a0 Today we can celebrate together and, as always, t<\/span>hanks for joining me on the journey, I appreciate your company.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

XOXO
\n<\/span>Cheryl<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

notes:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. The Body Keeps Score: brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.<\/span>\u00a0 by Bessel van der Kolk.\u00a0 p. 238-239\u00a0 \u00a0(I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS EXCELLENT BOOK!)<\/li>\n
  2. Dandelions are extremely symbolic in my cancer journey; I discuss their significance along with mindfulness, grace, gratitude, and imagination in depth in my memoir.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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