I think I get now why some people wait a long time to try again to get pregnant after a miscarriage. Having a miscarriage hurts deeply. And then there is the fear that takes root thinking of being pregnant again. I have fear of going through the same hurt again. Fear of not being ready to be a parent. And then there is the feeling that it’s just not right, because I should be allowed to be so excited to get pregnant, but that uninhibited sense of joy and excitement has been zapped. It’s not the same. No matter what. I am excited in a very guarded way now. I want to be pregnant, but I want to be excited to get pregnant, and then I’m fearful of the pregnancy and of the idea of being a parent (those feeling weren’t there in August when we started trying!) and then to top off these feelings that I don’t know whether I really am ready to get pregnant, I look at the number 29, my age that is getting bigger and so I better get on it regardless of how I feel, and then I have moments of jealousy that pop up when I share with others in their pregnancy and when I hear others talk of their pregnancy. How can I have this hesitancy inside about getting pregnant and still have jealousy? It’s awful and awfully confusing. I want to be excited about my own future pregnancy and at the same time I am excited for those dear people around me who are pregnant. And just weeks ago I had this sense that in the waiting for a baby there is greater joy in the blessing of that child. I’m waiting for that greater joy, patiently. In the meantime, what can I do but trust God and use my head when my heart feels so mixed up.

So amidst this confusion this is what I know. My God is good. My God is love. My God provides. I love my husband. I trust God will give Ryan and I wisdom in raising our family. I want children. I love my family and friends. I love the unborn children of my family and friends. Children are a blessing, whether mine or not. I have been blessed with such amazing support and I am confident that I will continue to be blessed with support as life unfolds. I will love my children regardless of whether they are born in 9 months, 2 years, 5 years, or beyond. I have learned much in the past months about myself, about human emotions (it is interesting that the number of emotions I am learning about continues to grow), and about God. I continue to learn. God was there in the disappointment, hurt, frustration. Certainly He is here in the jealousy, the fear, the confusion. Certainly He is here to remove the jealousy, the fear, and the confusion.

Ps 51:8,16

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that I may praise you.

I have to share what I read in scripture today and what I learned from it.

Numbers 13 and 14 discuss the scouting expedition that Moses sent out to scope out the promised land of Canaan. This is the land that God has promised his people of Israel. It was his promise to them as He brought them out of Egypt, out slavery, out of the place where they cried to God from because they were oppressed. From this expedition there were 2 reports. The first said:

“We can’t go up against them! They are stronger than we are!” 32 So they spread this bad report about the land among the Israelites: “The land we traveled through and explored will devour anyone who goes to live there. All the people we saw were huge. 33 We even saw giantsb]”>[b] there, the descendants of Anak.

The second states:

“The land we traveled through and explored is a wonderful land! 8 And if the Lord is pleased with us, he will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey. 9 Do not rebel against the Lord, and don’t be afraid of the people of the land.

This is the Promised Land they speak of! God has promised these people this blessing and the first group simply sees the giants in their way of getting there. It makes me think; what blessing does God have in store for me that I only see the giant hurdles required and miss out on what is behind those obstacles? God wants to bless me. God will give whatever assistance is required to overcome giants. Right now I see my land of milk and honey being the family I believe God will bless Ryan and me with. There are some obstacles to getting to that “land”, including the “awful confusion” of the present which I have discussed above. But in reading this story of Canaan, I don’t want to focus on the giants before me. I want to focus on that rich land ahead and the dependence on God that will get me there. (Besides if you read the whole story in Numbers, by not trusting God to take out the giants, those people who voiced response #1 never did get to step foot in the promised land. I think this story parallel a very real reality for today as well: focus on the giants in your road and you may get detoured that you may never see the promised land God intends for you further along the road.)