January 29, 2016

Moments of Joy from my last week or so

I’ve had many moments of beauty the last short while.  I’ve held Allison as she drifts off to sleep for her nap and I’m overcome by her.  She is a breathtaking and captivating girl.  I am certain there will never be a dull moment with Allison in our family.  We’ve been told her incessant crying is a sign that she will have a spunky personality.  I believe this to be true and am starting to embrace all that she is.

Yesterday Allison was beginning to fuss when she lit up hearing Rayna talking to me near her.  A smile crept on her face simply from her big sister’s presence.  I encouraged Rayna to continue talking and to sing to Allison.  She did.  I see the beginning of Rayna really engaging with her sister and it’s beautiful.

Rayna gives the best embraces to her brother and sister through out the day and at bedtime.  She is really stepping into her big sister role in stride.

Garrett has become a charmer.  He is babbling now and cooing in the most coy way with irresistible charm.  When I’m nursing him he wants to stop and look into my eyes and talk to me with the hugest grin (yes this does annoy me some since it interrupts his feed and then keeping him on track with getting food in his tummy so he’s not up all night is a challenge – but I must allow myself to fully enjoy the sweetness of these moments.)  His whole face lights up as he smiles.  It is in his nature to be content and happy.

These moments of joy are flanked with the daily struggles.  I am fighting a cold and battle to keep my 3 year old from waking me up at 5 in the morning when I’ve already been up through out the night with the twins.  I’m trying to figure out how to get Garrett to nap more than half an hour and by the afternoon his overtiredness makes him a seemingly angry little boy to put to down for a nap.  I feel like we are fighting and slowly I am losing control of the situation.  Allison still has cranky days here and there where crying is the tune of our household and its impossible to get anything else done.  I’m tired of getting up 3 times a night and wonder when I will ever have a 7 or 8 hour uninterrupted sleep again ( and marvel at how easy I had it with Rayna who slept through the night by 2 months so I could wake well rested every morning so I could face the day and have the evening to myself to enjoy).  I do not know how I will possibly put food on the table once my Mom leaves in less than a week.  I’m tired of constantly battling to keep my milk supply up; any blip, like an illness, has me worried I won’t have enough milk and Allison’s weight is being monitored since she’s skinny and not gaining as much weight as she should be. Like any parent I look at the clock in the afternoon and count the hours until the kids’ bedtime…..and there’s one or two nights a week where Garrett fights his bedtime and so the haven of 7:30 PM is gone and I keep willing the kid to sleep when finally he drops off as it’s time for me to go to bed too.

This is my life.  The cliché thing to say would be : “I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”  I can’t truthfully say those words right now (though at least I do not have quite the strongest feelings like Ryan who says he won’t wish twins on his worst enemy).  But, I can say it is real.  It is human.  And in the very real humanity of my daily life there is much beauty when I stop to look at it.  In the reality of my life right now, these are the moments worth celebrating (and miracles like that its 7:15 AM right now and the kids are all still sleeping!) 

I’ve had lovely interactions through out my days this week too.  The mom at the doctor’s office.  I accidentally showed up 20 minutes early for Allison’s appointment and so we visited for some time bonding over our colicky babies.  Everyone’s story is slightly different but as a parent, challenges are inherent.  (I only wish I would have got her phone number ) 

The lady working at the store who essentially blocked the aisle so I couldn’t get by and doted on my twins.  At first I was annoyed, to be honest.  Then she said, “Twins.  How wonderful!” I reply with a cheesy smile because really it isn’t just always wonderful and my husband would go further….  But she continues, “I’m a twin.  It probably isn’t actually all wonderful for you as the mom; but, I LOVE being a twin. It’s awesome.  I love it even when I hate my twin sister.”  Followed by an overly exuberant, but 100% genuine “Congratulations!” 

And I see, it’s not all about me.  Garrett and Allison will have something special because they are twins.  And Rayna gets the privilege of knowing what having both a brother and a sister is like. 

This parenting thing is not about me at all.  And yet it is about me in that parenting is perhaps the greatest tool to bring out greatness and wholeness in me.  I’ve never been one to shy from a challenge and so I accept this invitation to journey towards greatness.