The seasonal depictions in the attached image  (created by my 7 year old) are an apt description of how I’ve felt waiting for my brain MRI results and in the aftermath: a bit of each one has surfaced.
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My results were good! My condition appears stable, no current signs of tumor growth! Thank God!
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This should be reason to celebrate, and we did, but my emotions continue to be all over the map, from sunny to stormy back to sunny. (Does anyone else live on this rollercoaster ride called “real life”?)
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You see, even if brain cancer gets tucked aside for awhile longer, this motherhood gig is HARD. I find myself resentful, you know, for having to get up and attend to 3 young kids EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I find myself thinking “this is not what I signed up for.” I had NO IDEA just how difficult motherhood would be nevermind the extra child I never envisioned. Somehow I got the 2 for 1 deal with my second child which turned out to be twins. It seems, from looking at social media, that I’m the only one feeling this way. “I can’t be the only one that feels this way, can I???”

I feel guilty because I’ve witnessed the struggle of infertility and I’ve personally experienced the loss of miscarriage (oh it hurts deeply) and I pined to get pregnant for a looooong year with each of my pregnancies. I know that waiting game.

Deeper yet, beyond the guilt, shame festers because, I know these are *grace moments* given to me with my kids! When I was told I’d only live for 1 more year I cried out to God, “my kids, my kids! Oh God my kids!”. These moments, feeling resentful, are moments that 3 years ago I didn’t think I’d be alive for. “SHAME ON YOU, Cheryl!” Says my internal voice “You ought to be and feel grateful for participating in these moments with your kids!” The shame cycles in silence this day (shame LOVES silence) where motherhood is overwhelming and I’m struggling to catch my breath and I feel stuck in a life I did not plan…
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This is my unspeakable story about motherhood and today I can’t stay silent about my struggles anymore than I can keep my good MRI results to myself.
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I’ve felt like I can’t share such ugly thoughts because society loves pretty motherhood. It loves thriving mothers who seemingly have life sorted. World, my version of motherhood is messy. It’s messy and hard and unpredictable. If not overwhelming, usually it’s bland and ordinary and, go figure, underwhelming.
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I want the most out of life and out of however many days I’m given to mother my children (please God let it be all 18 years and beyond) So I know I need to do something constructive with my discouragement, overwhelm, and resentment. I start with practicing gratitude. I try to speak out my gratitude for my kids until I believe it. That sorta works. But it’s not enough to fully get me off of my hamster wheel of shame.
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The real answer comes after 2 things happen. First, I go for a hike with a friend. I love fresh air and nature; it revives my soul. On this hike my friend graciously let’s me offload my frustrations. I share my stories, she shares hers. My shame is no longer silenced, it’s out in the open of this beautiful forest and already I begin to feel lighter.

Secondly, that evening I gather with a group of friends from our church that meets weekly. We spend some time listening to inspirational music and meditating. As I’m meditating my answer comes in a word.

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“SATISFIED” is the word. “Cheryl live satisfied. ” I’ve been living in a gluttony for life (1)— wanting ALL of life (you know: sleep, leisure, fun, relaxation, meaningful work, quality family time, fitness… And the list goes on- all the things I had before kids and before cancer) and I find myself living dissatisfied in the realization that I cannot have it all. I’m exhausted, having fun is exhausting, fitness isn’t fun like it used to be, getting adequate sleep often feels like a pipe dream… Motherhood is hard.

“Cheryl live satisfied”

No, this life is not what I had planned. I did not plan to be a twin mom of THREE kids. I most certainly did not plan on having stage 4 glioblastoma brain cancer.

But rather than wishing and wanting and bemoaning, if I want to really live my days to their fullest I don’t need to clamour for more life. No. I need to slow down and live SATISFIED.
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How? How do I, Cheryl Rostek live satisfied?

It seems simple. But it is not; It is not natural for me and it is counter cultural. (I worked in retail for years and even as a health care provider I can tell you dissatisfaction is rampant)
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So how do I live satisfied?  My husband often says “good question” when he doesn’t have an answer. I think this is more than a good question, it is an excellent one, and I’m not sure I have the full answer. I welcome feedback.
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But I think perhaps living satisfied has something to do with being immersed in love and grace. When I was first diagnosed with brain cancer I clamored desperately for love. I had a deep longing to know that I was unconditionally loved in a big way. We all have this longing, to be loved is a basic need; however facing my own death I didn’t want to know that I was just loved, I wanted to be lavishly, unconditionally loved. I tried to get my husband to fill this need for lavish unconditional love. Problem is, great as he is, he was also in traumatic overwhelm; processing losing his wife and raising 2 babies and a preschooler by himself. He was not in a position to give me what I needed. In fact, no human was. I needed supernatural love and grace to fill the gaping raw hole inside me. I needed to go to the Source of Love and Grace directly. For me that source is God. In those days right after cancer waltzed right into my world I needed to quiet my soul to find satisfaction in God’s expansive, limitless and gracious love. And that is what I continue to need. I need it on days as I await my MRI results. I need it when life’s reality feels crushing. I need it when my kids are driving me nuts or demanding more than I feel I can offer. Giving and receiving gracious love often does not come naturally for me (I’m a rule-following perfectionist ). However, when I immerse myself in the gracious love of the Divine, I am best equipped to live wholeheartedly into my days (being kind to myself and to others) and into motherhood (which requires a heap of gracious love). When I immerse myself in gracious Love everything changes starting with my perspective, continuing on into my attitude and culminating with the ability to truly live the life I desire. In giving up my gluttony for life, in releasing what life used to be like, in letting go of how I had hoped life and motherhood would turn out, and in settling in to the actual life I’m living, I begin to find the ability to live satisfied. At first it feels like “less life” than I had planned. But, slowly I’m finding that choosing to “live satisfied” produces more and better life than I could ever have imagined. Go figure.
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Is anyone else on a journey towards living satisfied? I’d love to hear your story, please share below.

 

XOXO
Cheryl

 

(1) I discovered and deeply resonated with  the concept “gluttony for life” from Shauna Niequiest’s book, Present over Perfect.