January 15, 2016

This, this is the hardest thing I have ever done: living my daily life right now.  And yet my days are flanked by the sweetest of moments.  They are ever so brief; but I am able to capture minutes of solitude before the twins awake and after all the kids are in bed.  It is in these moments that I can see: “it is worth it.” I am tired and I am worn. More tired and worn than I have ever been and in a way that one cannot anticipate until it is present.  I get worn out in so many capacities.  My body aches from nursing my babes, from being so deconditioned, from lack of sleep.  My morale plummets on days that are sleep deprived or filled with Allison’s incessant cries.  I feel like adult company is so elusive and all I am right now is “mom.”  And then I see how beautiful it is to be “mom.” How precious my babes are.  And I do not want to forget these moments in the trenches that push me to my max; for, within them, if I look, there is incomparable beauty.  It is not my hair, it is not my body that are beautiful.  It’s not my house, not even my children.  But it is how present I am in these moments.  It is demanded of me.  There are days I want to quit.  There are days I want to give up.  There are days there is simply no energy left to cry; but surely if there were I would be a sobbing mess.  Yet, here at my computer, as I give up precious moments of sleep to reflect, it is beauty that surrounds me.  My Christmas tree still up mid January that reminds me of the joy my 3 year old had this year celebrating.  The spit up on my couches, the dishes on my counter, the laundry folded but not put away for days that tells the story of real life.  My words that don’t string together as eloquently as I’d like showing that my head is foggy from an exhausting day.  And the rounds I’m about to take to check on each of my precious children.  Today I’ve done a good job.  This I must remind myself of.  And in the beauty of this moment, realizing this is the hardest thing I have ever done I can see this is also the most worthwhile thing I have ever done.  Indeed, how I cherish these moments when I can remember why these crazy days are so worthwhile.  Rayna, Garrett, Allison, never forget that your momma loves you.