Today I am tired. I am worn out from another round of emotion. As soon as I woke from my surgery yesterday, the tears came again. My head didn’t process the emotion, but I just needed to cry. It was over. At least it was truly beginning to be over: this time of miscarriage that for some reason has lasted over 3 weeks. I needed to cry because it didn’t feel fair, it felt awful to have to go through a medical procedure like that, knowing that that is not the way it was supposed to be. My friend Sarah speaks of us living in a broken fallen world and she doesn’t mince words, it just really sucks sometimes. That is where I am. Medically, I have never had to have an IV before, I have never had general anesthetic before, I have never had surgery before. Though the procedure was relatively simple, it was a big deal medically for me. And having to go through it because of a miscarriage, well that simply stinks. And today as I woke from a night’s sleep it all replays back in my mind and truly though certainly yesterday was not the worst day one could imagine, I am recouping and I am so thankful that part of the story includes the wonderful nurse Katy in the OR recovery room who let me cry and was simply a really good nurse. Thank you Katy.

Now what? I ask again, Now what? I find it beyond me that so many women have to go through this in one way or another. Miscarriage is common. But each story is different. Each story is painted with different emotions, different background, and different people. The essence is the same. It sucks.

My story is painted with numerous emotions that my journal entries have pictured, but it also has a central player in it, which would not be in everyone’s story: God. Some people get angry if they hear it is God’s plan, when certainly God’s plan is being painful, tough, and crappy! I don’t know. Well I do know that God does have a great and better plan for His children than I could formulate on my own. But in a time like this, more than that, God has arms of unending comfort. He has compassion. He has the answer: Rest in me. And God’s rest is different from the rest we so commonly know. God’s rest is not a movie day in our PJs. God’s rest is a place of comfort, safety and peace. It is a place to mourn because God knows how we feel so we might as well let it all out. A place to talk it through, or shout it out, or yell our hurts, because God promises He hears us when we speak. A place to fall broken and tired and weary and worn out and with no energy left, because God promises strength. God’s rest is restoration to the body, to the spirit, to the mind, to the soul. God created us and knows that you cannot remove one aspect of health from another and so when He restores us he touches us wholly. Maybe you’re like me and you find watching TV or taking naps or physical recovery or activities of the like, non-productive. Personally, I like being productive. But listen, listen to me, try God’s rest. I can’t imagine this life without it. As I have found out, my plans will always sooner or later fail. And then what? Then God. Then God’s restoration. (And hopefully, then I will remember in the future it is better to have the divine planner do His work, than I. But if you don’t want to hear those words, that’s okay. Because life truly does suck sometimes and then all you do is take it one step at a time. God’s rest is the first step.)