Nov 13/16
This past week has been filled with much exhaustion.  Initially after my diagnosis of glioblastoma I would wake at night overwhelmed with tears and sorrow.  I was full of grief for the loss of the future I had envisioned for my family.  These moments still surface as their reality is a lurking possibility; however, my continued lack of sleep is not due to sadness, it is because I have so much to do – so much life to live.  I certainly have things to sort out in the immediate future to ensure optimal health care; but, more crucial (and fun) is that I have things to sort out to ensure I fully live.  I have always been one to strive to make the most of all times.  Holidays have been squeezed in with usually no buffer days to return to work, so as to optimize vacation time.  We have done so much with the twins even though it was so very difficult to travel with them.  We don’t sit around waiting for things to happen, we strive to be proactive to create these memories.  We have been blessed with good professions so that we have been able to have finances for frequent lovely trips.  However, we have also created many, many local adventures, taking in all our city and surrounding area has to offer such as hiking, playing at the lake, cross country skiing, trail running, playing tennis and playing pickleball (this one is Ryan’s exclusive as I certainly did not catch the pickleball fever).  And these are just the initial things that come to mind.  In Ryan I have found a partner who doesn’t let what others are doing dictate how he chooses to live his life.  This has been a foundation for us for making choices that proactively allow our family to thrive.  In the past year of challenges mothering twins my prayer was this: “God grant me wisdom, patience, love, tenacity and the power to THRIVE.”  And you can count on this: thrive we will.  God has been faithful to our family for generations.  He will continue to be faithful.  (ps. Ryan and I are taking Rayna to Disneyland next Sunday for a couple day! How exciting!!!)
There are many questions in this.  Supernaturally, I have not been inclined to ask, “Why?” but I know many do.  My response that I gave to a friend on facebook that I would like to document here is this: The only way it makes any sense to me is to focus on what a fabulous 35 years I’ve had (though really tough last year raising twins!) and acknowledge that every day is a gift, why some people get more gifts than others….who knows, right?  Life isn’t “fair”, that’s for sure. BUT I’m sure I’m gonna make the most of what I’ve got!
People also don’t know what to say.  This is understandable.  My response: There are no words, it’s crazy and messed up; but, “it will be okay.”  Those are the words my mom told me when she was diagnosed with cancer.  I get it now.  God gives hope, strength, and LIFE. So keep praying!!!! 
My plan
Strengthened by people and prayer
I have formulated a plan of attack, people and you are a key component.  I can not do this without you.  You empower me.  To be honest, when I first realized how far my blog was reaching I was intimidated.  What I say is being read by so many people and I am but human.  Know this, I am just like you: struggling to connect with God.  Yes, my faith is powerful; but at the beginning of my diagnosis I felt so distant from God.  It was the prayer of 2 close dear friends (plus countless others I’m sure) which drew me to Him.  God is using you, my friends, in my story.  You are not bystanders, you are co-authors.  Thank you!!!!  I covet your prayers.  I have days of exhaustion where my requests to God are but whispers.  On those days I lean on your prayer of intercession for me. 
In my prayer, I ask God specifically to destroy these cancer cells.  I have a degree in biochemistry with some education in cancer molecular biology.  So I pray specifically against what I know cancer needs to survive.  I pray that these cancer cells would be cut off from blood supply.  I pray they would forced to conform to the check points which keep regular cells in check.  I pray that their division would be halted such that they would wither.  I pray that these rogue cells would know they have no home in my body.  NONE.
Subsequently I visualize this destruction of cancer cells happening in my body.  God has given us an amazing and powerful mind.  I intend to enlist it in my fight.
I love fitness.  Daily exercise is inviting to me and yet with my family demands has proven challenging to fit in.  However, it is my goal to implement daily fitness.  This empowers both my mind and body.  I love being active and always strive to serve as a role model to my kids in this.  Now is no different.  Our bodies were made to move!
I have always maintained a relatively healthy diet avoiding junk food.  However, my plan of attack involves stepping it up by emphasizing organic fruits and vegetables.  Again this feels like a bit of a challenge as we figure out how to procure this produce in a practical way, but it is becoming a priority.
Complementary treatment   
I have limited time to research therapies.  My background as a pharmacist certainly directs me to put confidence in traditional western medicine.  However, I see value in other modalities as well.  Evidence suggests acupuncture can be helpful in improving energy and reducing nausea in cancer treatment.  I view this therapy as a physiological approach and welcome it.  I plan to seek guidance from a naturopath with the intention of counsel on lifestyle changes and implementation of acupuncture.  I have no interest in herbal therapies as I know they have the power to interact with traditional medicine.
Chemo and Radiation
I will have 6 weeks concurrent Chemo (oral at home) and Radiation (5 days a week in Abbotsford) treatment, followed by 6 months continuation of chemo (likely to start around Nov 24).  The forefront major side effects will be fatigue, nausea, hair loss.  My plan is to continue to live life as I have been, just perhaps in an attenuated fashion with naps.
Today I am thankful for:
-So much!!!!  Life is good!!! I am thankful for these days before the treatment will start wearing me out. 
– Visits from friends and family
-the incredible support we are surrounded by
-Taking my 4 year old to Disneylandnext week!!!!!
-prayer for getting a nanny sorted out.
-prayer for the radiation oncologist on Monday as he makes the plan of where to radiate my brain.  This treatment plan is crucial!
-prayer for our kids understanding (supernatural understanding for the twins I suppose!) as my treatment rolls out and I’m tired and start looking different (hair loss etc.)
Today I leave you with these verses from Ephesians 3:14-21 which I have referenced in a previous blog, that were highlighted to me in summer.  Let’s rest in them:
14 When I think of the wisdom and scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,[e]15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.[f] 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.