I continue to petition you to pray for me.  As I do so I will share this:

This is what is kicking around in my head today.  It’s not concise; but it is real- real life.  I feel compelled to champion being an open-book kinda human – sharing my unedited story, inviting you to do the same. 
An insight into my life:  Today I started getting flashing in my right periphery vision.  This happened pre-op.  It stopped me in my tracks this morning.  It is an acute symptom.  Pause.  Call Ryan. No answer.  Call mom.  No answer.  I lay down and breathed, citing “Be still and know that I am God.”    I was angry.  Angry that I had just arrived to have my “retreat day”.   Angry that I have to go through this.  Angry that my life is riddled with the caveats of incurable cancer. Ryan called back, my mom called back.  We had a plan: Call oncologist.  Left message.  Ryan left to come join me.  Silence. Relative calm, but the desperate “No, no, no!!!” ran through my mind.  I have too much to complete yet, I can’t die yet- I want to write my story, write a novel. More than that, I want to be there for my kids!  Today is my twins’ second birthday.  ( I want to celebrate many more birthdays with them)
I am not ready to die, cancer I’m not ready to succumb.  So here I shout out: “Nuts to that (death, tumor)!”  Oh Satan you have no hold of my brain!!! Scram Satan. Get your hands off of me.  God heal me.  I’ve been weary this past week, near worn out with sick kids and the like.  It’s a hard life.  My emotional life is so topsy-turvy.  Faith is not my gifting.  I’ve learned it this past year.  I sought God and I asked for faith.  It took 1 year of pressing into Him to have some semblance of faith.  Faith that I know no matter what it will be okay.  Faith that God will be with me no matter what. Faith that truly what matters is being one with God.  Faith to know that my ENTIRE purpose is to serve and praise God, whether in this life or the next.  (Whether I live or I die, its all to the glory of God).
And now I see it.  On the drive up to “the ranch” where I retreat God spoke to me.  He spoke that He was there with me.  He was in the passenger seat with me.  That He would always be right beside me.  Right beside me. ALWAYS.
Sometimes, admittedly, that doesn’t seem to be enough.  The bible tells me not to cling to my life or I will lose it.  How hard it is to fully release my life.  Even now, I have God’s work to do and I cling to that.  How much irony is in that?!  Oh how I cling to MY LIFE.
Yesterday in my visit for our church to one of the seniors home, I met a man who shared something spectacular.  He had a near death experience.  He saw God.  God was the brightest light imaginable and amazingly you could look at the light even though it was so bright.  God told him to go back and tell people about Him and His love for them.  Isn’t that what it’s all about? Telling people about God’s love.
I renewed my passport this fall.  This is a simple task.  But we have a choice now: 5 year or 10 year.  Pause.  I’m not supposed to live even 5 years.  These are things other people don’t need to think about.  I chose the 10 year passport.
I spoke with my dearest friend this morning.  She called out that this could be a spiritual attack.  “You’re a force to be reckoned with.” She said, “The enemy knows it.”  So, all the more I rally your prayers.  I am considering fasting for the purpose of prayer for healing and God’s presence.  I just read Esther, she fasted with her people for 3 days before petitioning the King for her people’s lives.  I’ve never fasted, but I think I shall set aside solid food for taking time to petition God for my life, for my ministry I have yet to do here on earth.  Join me if you are compelled. 
And I am compelled to again remind you to look for deeply at the people around you.  So many people have a story lurking heavy and deep beneath the surface.  Last week, with sick kids (hence lack of sleep) and the heaviness of 2 people with brain cancer dying and the underlying fatigue I face as “brain injury”, I was barely coping.  Thank God my Mom was here and that my Mother in Law is a big help in our lives (What would we do with out moms?……I don’t want my kids to have to answer that question).  What I am getting at is often people need to be asked “How are you?” with actually wanting to hear the answer.  People want to be seen.  They need to be heard.  They need God’s love.  God’s love flows through us, people. WE ARE THE CONDUITS OF GOD’S LOVE.   I am very admittedly still learning this, but I want to learn it in parallel to you.  I want to hear your stories.
I’ve wrestled with my faith and belief system lately.  I’ve looked square at what I believe and acknowledged, “What I believe is crazy!!!!”  God became man, died for our sins and rose again to life, went back to live in heaven.  If we believe this we get our impure heart forgiven and not only that we get access to be with God— on earth through him living in us via the Holy Spirit and when we die in the direct presence of his glory in heaven.  This is far-fetched and crazy.  Think about it!  I have been.  “How can I really believe this?”  Well, my friends, if you unravel the gospel message, it is the ONLY one that can properly deal with all the uncertainties and emotions and struggles I face with this cancer diagnosis.  So I will take the crazy at face value.  Jesus was kinda a crazy guy.  Strike that, he was crazy.  He loved like crazy.   He turned norms on their heads.  His teaching was strikingly wise and profound.  He didn’t care what people thought or expected.  He talked to women.  He took time for children.  He was God.  Do you realize how incredible the message and Good News of the Gospel is?  It is spectacular.  And as I was processing the “How can I believe this?” I read in Romans, Paul explains that God purposefully chose an unconventional way of sharing His Love and Good News.  Ordinary and Main-stream just doesn’t work for something so extraordinary. 
I invite you today to think about these things.  Most of us will overtly stare death in the face one day and inevitably we will all die.  These are pertinent matters to think about.  Give Jesus some more thought.  I truly believe, as crazy as the faith he calls us to is, that he is THE answer.  The only way not to lose our lives while we’re still living.

I’m far from perfect.  My faith is weak.  But I believe.  I am all in for Jesus.  God is good, all the time He is good.