Oh This Car…

It’s a funny thing to be so attached to a thing because of the sweet memories it reminds me of. I was never this momma before. I was the efficient momma. The clear the clutter momma. The “suck it up darling” kind of momma. And here I am messaging about giving away my son’s first beloved car to another local mom who has been searching for just this car and I feel like crying (I haven’t quite decided if I’ll let myself or not, but I probably should).

I find myself the same way with favorite clothes – but long ago I made a straight forward, easily decision and adopted the policy to not keep outgrown clothing…now I’m in heaps wondering if I’ve made a devastating error. There are pictures of the kids in these clothes and that’s the enough, I’ve told myself as I continue with fortitude to maintain my policy.

But this car! Oh, it’s ridiculous to think of keeping it! (practical momma Cheryl be gentle with yourself) It’s a clunk of plastic I paid $2 for second hand for my first born. She never had much use for it. But my son, years later, fell in love with it! At 3 he’s grown too big for it (especially since we live in an apartment with people below us and his driving is far from quiet — noisy cars are the best right?) I’ve told him it’s a baby toy to help him comes to terms with giving it away. But — then comes this voice inside my head and a conversation with myself ensues. maybe I should keep it?…. It’s so meaningful…and I think of my clothing policy and laugh at myself with tears in my eyes. Who am I?! The rational practical momma has up and left. Completely. I message the other mom and say not today, you can’t pick it up today. And I cling to the keys I’m saving that my son kept with his beloved car. Those I shall keep forever. As I hold these keys I wonder what was the key to unlocking this painful, tender, nostalgic, oh so exploding with love heart of mine?

Perhaps it was my cancer diagnosis and being told I wouldn’t see this day: my babes growing up, too big for toddler toys?
Perhaps it’s watching my youngest kids grow up and wanting to squeeze forever the sweetness of their 3 year old bodies and the coziness of their perfectly sized bodies and fuzzy warm heads right at kissing height?

I don’t know. I don’t know. But this momma’s heart is a freaking mess right now and it feels just the way it ought to be.

And I resolve:
1. to keep attempting to live a clutter free life
2. To creates space for the next adventure of growing up
3. To cry when my heart tells me to.

Goodbye car. Goodbye.