I’ve been learning alot about dandelions over the past few years. I’ve also been (slowly) learning about grace over the past few months. Isn’t grace seeing weeds as a beautiful sunny bouquet? I think so. And yet all too often it’s hard to see the beautiful bouquet. Below are my personal struggles from this past week.

While I feel like I am doing exactly what I want to be doing right now there is this STRONG pull to do what I feel I ought to be doing. The should. This coupled with a drive to impress, impress even my parents who and so very loving and supportive, drives me into a shame storm: not enough, it drives my perfectionism to prove myself, to prove my worthiness, “hustle for my worthiness” as Brene Brown would say. And let me tell you, this ends poorly (I’ll spare you the details).

It is difficult to brave this wilderness pushing against social norms, pushing against my desire to make plans for the future when it is so clear in my spiritually healthy moments that what I need to focus on most is the present, — reminding myself that I cannot control the future by planning for it, though this is a lesson I keep having to learn endless times.

Today I’m mindful and feel spiritually healthy after spending an evening (that honestly I REALLY didn’t want to be at when I arrived– too tired, too worn out, needing a break) giving thanks and praise to my Creator. Guess what? I got the break I needed. Gratitude and connecting with my spiritual side (alongside those on a similar spiritual journey) are so healing.

You see per the advice of my counselor I’m on a quest to discover grace. Apparently I need to learn how to be gracious with myself so I can get healthy. ( I think I’ll have a chapter or 2 on that in the book I’m writing about my cancer journey.)

And last night these contemplations were pressed firmly on my heart:

If you seek me you will find me if you seek me with your whole heart.

Grow in grace

Find my unforced rhythm of grace.

Keep seeking me. You will find a freedom like no other.

My burden is light. Stop striving.start thriving.

Grace is living like I’m healed (when science says this is impossible).


Grace is a beautiful perspective our society and myself have buried deep. Her excavation is not an easy job: it is hard work, it is painful, it is cutting, it is jarring and it requires much vulnerability. But I am confident that Grace’s treasures are worth the toil.

Please join me on the best treasure hunt ever, I appreciate the company.