I’m unsettled this morning, waiting for my afternoon oncologist appointment.

Don’t tell me I shouldn’t be terrified of hearing my MRI results today. I am terrified.

I’ve been making granola for an hour but I just can’t seem to focus; so far all I’ve done is measure oats into the bowl.

I’m a crumpling weepy mess and at the same time I’m burying myself in busyness. I have to hold my tongue because I know snippy words are just beneath the surface- rooted in my internal (and often subconscious) banter.

I am terrified because fear is normal.

It’s okay to feel afraid.


Hi, fear.



Deep breath

I am brave. Let me say that again so I believe it. I am brave.


Hi, courage.


Today I look fear in the eyes and say, step aside, I have a life to live.

Regardless, I feel humbled. Glioblastoma, brain cancer has a way of doing that- showing my humbled humanness.


Hi, humbled human.


My favorite scripture this past year says the humbled will see the kingdom of heaven. I need some kingdom of heaven in my life today.

So I raise my chin and speak:


Hi, kingdom of heaven, please show yourself to me today.


As the piano bangs in the background with two five year old belting out indecipherable words I notice the blankets and books and stuffies scattering my living room floor and I’m distracted by thoughts of my toilets that are starting to stink.

I wonder if maybe messes are made marvelous in moments like this- moments when it is clear that life is  (very loudly) being lived.

Though my little angels’ voices are far from heavenly (see evidence on social media, lol). I think heaven on earth is this mélange: life and love and grace swirled in the messiness, right at my fingertips, right underfoot,

My heart knows this to be true when I’m still enough to listen; being humbled is okay.



Now, Please excuse me, I have some children to kiss and some granola to make.




PS. MRI Results

My MRI results, disclosed later in the day, showed no tumor growth, which means I continue to be stable and in remission! I’m living the miraculous dream: heading towards being a 5 year glioblastoma survivor this fall. A place that sadly less than 5% of glioblastoma survivors reach.

Also, apparently I missed Glioblastoma Awareness Day this week. Please, mention this disease to people you know to spread awareness!!! Little progress has been made in treatment of Glioblastoma in the past 2 decades, much more awareness and research is needed!


May August be filled with many sunny and smiling days for you and your loved ones. xo